1. I accidentally grabbed Renée Zellweger’s boob.
“I was working on a behind the scenes featurette for a movie starring Keanu Reeves and Renée Zellweger. I had to wire the lav under Renee’s shirt and clip it to her bra, and I totally accidentally grabbed her boob. She looked me right in the eye and said, ‘Jeez, buy me a drink, OK?’”
2. Tom Cruise saw my cousin’s dick.
“A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, my uncle owned a restaurant in a small Alaskan town. One time Tom Cruise was up there filming some movie (I can’t remember which one) and had dinner at the restaurant. He dropped his camera at the table, and my uncle being the owner took the lost and found home every night. When Tom called the restaurant to get his camera, they told him to go to my uncle’s house to pick it up. He headed over there, and while standing at the front door thanking my uncle my cousin came running down the stairs butt-naked. So he can now always say ‘Tom Cruise saw my dick.’”
3. My friend snuck a peek at Shaq’s junk.
“Friend was pissing next to Shaq at a club in Miami. Of course he can’t keep his eyes on the road, and tried to sneak a peek at Shaq’s junk. Shaq turns to him, smiles and says, ‘Crazy right? Big ni**a, regular dick.’”
4. Jon Bon Jovi farted mere inches from my face.
“A guy walked by me at the airport as I sat waiting to board, and kid you not farted mere inches from my face. I looked up, it was Bon Jovi.”
5. Jean-Claude Van Damme asked me where he could find girls who liked big dicks.
“Jean-Claude Van Damme asked me where he could find girls who liked big dicks. This was after he asked if he could kiss me.”
6. My mom said Rob Lowe uses enough tongue to lick your vocal cords.
“My mom grew up with Rob Lowe as her neighbor. She ‘dated’ him in middle school and they were apparently found making out in a closet at school one time. She says that he was one of those kissers that uses enough tongue to lick your vocal cords.”
7. Ron Howard called me a ‘little shit.’
“Ron Howard called me a ‘little shit’ after I peeked in a window and apparently screwed up a take during filming some made-for-TV thing, way back in the 80’s.”
8. I saw George Costanza’s dick.
“I was working in a spa a few years back. I was walking through the men’s changing room and as I went past the steam room Jason Alexander walked out completely naked. Needless to say that is the most famous penis I’ve ever seen in real life.”
9. Muhammad Ali accused me of calling him the ‘N’ word.
“I’m a teacher in Louisville Ky and in 2004 Muhammad Ali visited our school. Another teacher at our school had been personal friends with the Clays/Ali family since her childhood and her husband had been a close friend to Muhammad in high school. Ali comes in near the end of the school day and spends a generous amount of time greeting as many kids as possible before the bell rings and the kids are released. After the kids left, our staff had a chance to greet him. Growing up in Louisville, this guy was a god to me…we have 0 pro sports teams here but we have the 3 time world heavyweight champ and he was always my hero. This was 2004, so he could talk, though it was soft and a bit muddled. It’s my turn to greet the champ and I walk up to him and say something, honestly I don’t remember because I was so nervous, however, I’ll never forget what he said to me. He stretches his neck and leans into my ear and says, ‘Did you call me (the N word)?’ I heard it clearly but I kind of pulled back and looked at him awkwardly. He leaned in again and repeats, ‘You call me (the N word)?’ I pulled back again and awkwardly smiled but at the same time confused trying to process if he said what I thought he said. He went on to greet all of our staff. Afterwards I told the teacher who had been long friends of his and his family what he said to me. She busted out laughing and says, ‘Muhammad does that all the time, he’s still a big prankster 24/7!’ A few years later I transferred to a new school, however, last summer my old colleague who had brought him in sent me a ticket to his public funeral (tickets were impossible to find/people freaking scalping them). R.I.P Champ and NO I didn’t call you the N word!!”
10. A friend went to high school with Barack Obama and said he was a professional stoner.
“Not me, but a family friend went to high school with Barack Obama in Hawaii and said Barry was practically a professional stoner.”
11. Russell Brand very politely offered to have sex with my friend.
“Friend of ours is a hotel hospitality manager. She was alone in a room with Russell Brand. He very politely offered to have sex with her. She said her husband was waiting downstairs for her. Brand said he could come up too.”
12. Gary Busey left us speechless in Tulsa.
“Met Gary Busey at an airport in Tulsa, OK. Through a strange course of conversation in which he insulted nearly everyone, he ended with a joke: Gary: ‘Did you ever hear about the poor family?’ Me: ‘No.’ Gary: ‘They were so poor, they had to jerk off the dog to feed the cat.’ He then chuckled to himself, grabbed the next taxi and left us speechless.”
13. Saw Tim Allen’s mistress sprinting out of his trailer after his wife showed up at the set.
“Saw Tim Allen’s mistress sprinting out of his trailer after his wife showed up at the set of one of those Santa Clause movies he was filming.”
14. Mini-Me pinched my ass hard.
“I was 18 and on vacation at the Atlantis in the Bahamas. It was at night, and my friend and I were exploring the grounds. A big black limo pulled up near the main entrance and Verne Troyer (Mini-Me) stepped out with a beautiful woman and a few big-built body guards. My friend and I were like omfg we gotta get a picture with him. So we asked him politely and he said yes but only one. So my friend stood on his left and I stood on his right and the body guard took the pic (disposable camera days). While the picture was being taken, Verne had his left hand firmly planted on her ass, and the right hand firmly planted on mine. He was pinching SO hard. I guess I can’t blame him as our asses are eye level for him. So yeah.
TLDR: Mini-Me got to cop a feel on myself and a friend in the Bahamas.”
15. Snoop gave me some weed.
“I have been handed weed by numerous musicians leaving the hotel I worked at. Snoop, Angus Stone, one of the Blink-182 guys…etc.”
16. I asked Florence Henderson if she’d like ‘a little 69.’
“I worked my way through college as a waiter in a gourmet room in Las Vegas. I became acquainted with Florence Henderson (RIP), and she would ask to sit in my station. One evening she had a guest, Joan Rivers. Me. Henderson had a favorite wine, Piesporter, that she always ordered. It just so happened that on our wine list, that wine was labeled as #69. That’s how she ordered it, I’ll have a bottle of 69. On this night, I approached the table, introduced myself to Ms. Rivers and made the usual small talk, then I asked, ‘So, Ms. Henderson, would you like a little 69 tonight?’ OMG, Joan Rivers went completely insane! She started screaming and yelling and demanding security to have me fired and arrested, and the whole time, Florence Henderson is trying to calm her down and explain. Long story short, the Maitre d’ put me in another area and not long after I graduated and left that job, and I never forgot that story. This happened in ~ 1985.”
17. ‘Is Wayne Brady gonna have to choke a bitch?’
“Las Vegas. I’m eating lunch with my mother when I spotted Wayne Brady also eating lunch with his mother. I waited until he finished eating before asking for a photograph. iPhones were still fairly new and my sweet mother had never really used one so as Wayne Brady and I were posing for the picture my mother kept pressing the home button to take it. I quickly pulled the camera back up and posed again. She pressed the home button again. Once more I opened the camera app and this time Wayne Brady nicely explained that you have to press the button on the screen for the picture. You guessed it, my mother pressed the home button again so I thought I’d be funny and chime in with ‘Is Wayne Brady gonna have to choke a bitch?’ No one laughed. It was Mother’s Day. My mom didn’t know the reference. Got the picture at least, Wayne Brady was a very nice.”
18. Chuck Berry told me he was going to do me.
“Chuck Berry got me in a hotel room and told me what he planned to do with me. This was back in the 80’s and I was stupid and naive as hell. Let’s just say I got the hell out of there….He simply told me he was going to have sex with me. There was no poop, no pee, no bathroom, and no glass table or other furniture involved. I didn’t remove any clothing, nor did he, no attempted rape occurred, and I left. It was boring except for the fact that a rock and roll legend told me he was going to do me. Then I left. The end.”
19. Saw Miley smoking weed at her 18th birthday party.
“I went to Miley Cyrus’s 18th birthday.
Was hanging out with a few friends for a car show in LA and apparently this chick that was with us (who I hadn’t met until that night) was dating Miley’s brother. Turns out they were going to Miley’s place for a party and asked us to drop them off. We dropped them off and as we were driving away we decided ‘Fuck it. How many times are we gonna have a chance like this?’
We turned around and hit up the chick to see if she could get us in. She said sure and we ended up partying there for a couple hours.
Hadn’t seen Miley all night and next thing I know I’m in the kitchen and I look over and she’s by the sink taking a hit off a pipe. At that time she was still this perfect Christian Disney star so it was weird seeing her smoking weed just a few feet from me.
Apparently some guys nobody knew ended up sneaking into the party and grabbing a couple purses, to include Miley’s, and ran off. Once that happened they kicked everyone out and we went home.
I found out later that her phone was in the purse and had a video of her smoking salvia, which got released to the public and was the first of many things that changed everyone’s image of her.
Side note: On the ride home we ended up totaling the car cuz our driver fell asleep at the wheel. It was a great night.”
20. Porn star Peter North ordered a sandwich with ‘an extra squirt of ranch dressing.’
“I used to work at Quizno’s in the early 2000s. Porn star Peter North came in and ordered a sandwich. I giggled when he asked for ‘an extra squirt of ranch dressing’ on it.”
21. I called Prince Harry a cunt.
“I called Prince Harry a cunt when he was hitting on the girl I was seeing and he was plying her with expensive champagne. He said he’d get me a pint, he still owes me that pint and it’s been 5 years.”
22. My friend pantsed James Franco.
“My friend pantsed (full pantsing with penis out and the whole shebang) his brother and James Franco saw everything. It was near where John Lennon was shot, by that patch of flowers (can’t remember what it’s called). His brother was wearing a James Franco selfie T-shirt while we were in NYC.
Franco pointed at his shirt and did like a finger gun and wink thing (sounds weird but looked really cool at the time). Then his brother said ‘James Fucking Franco just winked at me’ and then he got pantsed. Franco’s eyes bulged a bit and he started laughing and shaking his head. He never broke pace, just kept walking. After he was a ways past us he loudly said ‘rockin’ shirt, man.’
Sometimes I lay awake at night wishing I would have been the one who was pantsed. Imagine being able to tell your grandkids that THEE James Franco saw your throbbing penis in NYC. The wind softly blowing across your exposed schlong as a smile forms on Franco’s face. Imagine being the center of James Franco’s world, if only but for a second. I know as soon as he graced me with his wink, the blood would rush to the tip of my penis, and then the climax as my pants drop. Just imagine.”
23. Crocodile Dundee banged a girl I was hanging out with.
“One of my favorite movies growing up was Crocodile Dundee. Much later in life I am hanging out with a girl at a hotel bar in San Diego, and Paul Hogan was there. We put down a few drinks then I figured I would go say what’s up and tell him how I loved Crocodile Dundee and see if I could get an autograph (my Nokia brick—no camera).
I was drunk but remember the interaction pretty clearly—I went over to chat and he was not that cool, which was fine, but then started asking about the girl I was with and if she would like an autograph. That lead to him propositioning me for what I thought would be a threesome. I was entertaining this idea, as the thought of tag-teaming this girl (who I was not officially dating) with Mick Dundee would be pretty cool.
So she came over and everything was really cool, I was planning on pulling out my wang once we went to the room and being like ‘You call that a dick? This is a dick!’ Fast-forward 10 mins and he said why don’t we go up to my room—that ‘we’ didn’t include me. I got to sit at the bar while the chick got raw-dogged by Mick Dundee, and he never gave me that autograph or came back down. Plus, on the way home, she was wearing a skirt and released a bunch of his nut on the backseat of the cab—I am not sure which hole it came out of but assuming the back one.
Still love Crocodile Dundee.”
24. John Oliver was rude and smelled terrible.
“I was prepping the green room at a comedy club and John Oliver was doing a 30-minute set, in Canada long before he was famous. I guess I said something to him and he took it the wrong way because he was on me the rest of the night, just fucking with me.
He proceeds to pick through all the food in the green room, he’s just touching everything for some reason and I assume just to be a dick. Other comics are there, bigger names then and it was just awkward.
He keeps ordering drinks and leaving them around the room after taking one sip, or spilling them and complaining about the place while I clean it up. constantly asking me for drinks and my coworker working backstage, well the bartender is pissed because he keeps ordering complex different mixed drinks and states he thinks he’s getting way too drunk after the 8th within half an hour, but he wasn’t that fucked up at all, he was doing this shit on purpose.
So I tell him he needs to chill for a bit, he flips out on me, yelling and screaming. Ohh and he was blowing lines with other comics in the bathroom and asked a staff member where to score more blow.
He complains to the manager and we start shipping drinks his way again, and every time I deliver a drink or come close to the seating area he stops talking if he is and gives me a dirty stare. Dude’s coked out of his mind.
Just fucking obnoxious, and his breath smelled terrible and he smelled terrible, like he showered once a month.
He looks like he smells, I don’t get how anyone married him. His teeth are jacked up.
He was nice to the other comics and nice to the crowd…
After the show was over I was outside smoking a cigarette and I see him leave, I’m with two other coworkers. I just stare at him (shouldn’t have done that) and he goes to walk away, but turns around a comes towards me.
He asks what the fuck my problem was, I was not going to roll over but i didn’t want to get fired, I just blow smoke in his face. He turns red in the face and threatens to get me fired.
And then he goes, i will never forget it: ‘It’s 2012 and idiots like you are still smoking, how fucking stupid are you fucking plonk’ and after a few more words he walked off, got in a Land Rover and drove away coked up and drunk off his balls.
So I got current year’d by him long before it became a meme.”
