15. Choked groom out, taped him up in duct tape, drew Playboy symbols all over his body, poured hot sauce in his nose, put him in trunk and drove over a bunch of bumpy shit.
“Choked groom out, taped him up in duct tape, drew playboy symbols all over his body, poured hot sauce in his nose, put him in trunk and drove over bunch of bumpy shit. Got him goood….”
16. A stripper beat my ass until it was black and blue.
“Stripper wanted to spank groom. Groom said no. Best man said no. Other groomsmen said no. She then said ‘no lesbian stuff (we had two girls) until I spank someone.’ Well I’m not letting that go so I drop my pants and say let’s go. She beat the shit out of my ass. I stood up involuntarily once she hit me so hard. Had to hide the black and blues from the wife for a week.”
17. I completely freaked out. I was jumping up and down in the room, butt-ass naked, limp dick flopping around like a dying fish, screaming at my friends.
“My friends kidnapped me for my bachelor party. We got in a car and drove down the coast to San Diego. Stopped along the way for seafood, listened to Bon Jovi and Scorpions all the way down, and had a fuckin’ blast. We got to the Hard Rock (of course), and immediately started drinking. I probably had half a bottle of rum before we even left the room. We went down to the pool, and my buddy yelled out, ‘Here’s the bachelor!!!’ That was it. Everyone was buying me shots. Literally they had Jell-O shots in syringes that they plunged right into your mouth. I remember doing about six shots (in addition to the margarita in my hand because mixing booze is totally a good idea), and then I got in the hot tub.
Then I remember I couldn’t find my friends.
And a girl was taking me back to the elevators.
And then my friends were in the room, too, and I was butt naked.
FUCK.
The realization of what just happened sobered me right the fuck up and I completely freaked out. I was jumping up and down in the room, butt-ass naked, limp dick flopping around like a dying fish, screaming at my friends that they just let me cheat on my fiancée and this was all their fault.
They would not. Stop. Laughing.
Apparently what actually happened is that I got really drunk and started to pass out in the hot tub, so my friends escorted me back to the room to sleep it off. The ‘girl’ I remember was one of my buddies who had secured a wig during his partying, and thought it was hilarious. They then showed me the wig. It was totally one of those blue and yellow Chargers wigs they wear at the football games… and was absolutely the ‘hair’ of the ‘girl’ I’d followed back to the room. Thank God. After leaving me in the room, they all went back to the party to let me sleep it off, and I’d been in the room for about three hours, sound asleep. Somewhere after they left the room, I’d decided to take off all of my clothes, which is why I was naked.
