A Scientific Inventory Of My Purse

I’m not a “clean purse” kind of gal. I’m the type that treats her purse as a safe-cum-trashcan-cum traveling pantry. My boyfriend is legitimately afraid to look in there, just because he found an old Taco Bell burrito inside of it ONE TIME. Geez, some people are so touchy! Anyway, I’ve never seen much of a problem with it — as long as I can find my car keys, smokes, and cell phone (which is usually in my hand anyway), I’m cool… right? Whatever. MY PURSE, MY PREROGATIVE. If I want to carry around 1.5 lbs of old receipts and empty Chapstick tubes, that’s my choice. But when you need something out of my bag, please don’t be alarmed by me jumping on top of it from across the room to prevent you from looking inside. Ignorance is bliss. Here’s why:

(1)  Cheap pair of headphones that constantly get tangled up with inappropriate items (tampons, pipes, etc) every time I pull them out of my bag.

(1)  “Sneak-a-toke,” for tobacco use only… obviously.

(1) Two-year-old Revlon Super Lustrous Lipstick in a tremendously unflattering shade, “Certainly Red.” Looks “Certainly Insane” when applied, but sometimes necessary in a Chapstick emergency.

(1) Empty car freshener package in “New Car Smell.” NOTE: This does not smell like new car. It smells like old baked beans revitalized with a few spritzes of Victoria’s Secret’s Love Spell perfume.

(1) U.S. Passport, for all my worldly travels (to date: 1 trip to Rosarito, Mexico and 1 trip to Aruba where I did not get kidnapped but did get very drunk with a hunky Dutch construction worker who was thankfully too dumb to orchestrate a kidnapping).

(1) iPod Nano sports armband that has been used… not a lot.

(1) Pair of sunglasses that are too scratched to wear, but I wear them anyway.

(2) Playtex tampons w/ plastic applicators. (1) has busted out of its packaging and is floating around loose, collecting dust and alarming any male eyes.

(1) Assortment of restaurant napkins. State of use/ unuse yet unclear.

(1) Container Ice Breakers

(1) Empty container Ice Breakers

(1) Menu, Patricia’s Mexican Food

(1) Giant cocktail ring from Forever 21

(1) Crumpled up McDonald’s wrapper, probably stuffed into bag after bout of shame eating in the parking lot behind my job.

(2) Empty packs of Camel Crush cigarettes

(1) Loose Dasani water bottle cap

(1) Loose medical marijuana bottle cap. Discovery led to 15-minute search for medical marijuana, yielding minimal results.

(1) Half-full pack of Camel Crush cigarettes

(1) Dulces Karla “Mangos Tabasquenos” chili sucker given to me by an amorous Latino customer, unopened. Presumably saving for marijuana-induced candy craving and/or low blood sugar moment.

(1) Map, LA Auto Show, attended 11/22/11

(1) Map, ticket to Universal Studios, attended 11/19/11

(1) Stainless steel fork, origins unknown.

(1) Keychain, containing both regular car key and spare car key (I’m smart), assortment of other keys, and one pesky canister of pepper spray whose safety constantly gets flicked off. Will inevitably lead to temporary blinding of myself.

(1) Pay stub for $192.43 (aka two weeks of work). Reaffirms my suspicions that I am not rich.

(17) Loose thumbtacks from long-forgotten DIY project. Watch yer fingers!

(2) Halves of a ballpoint pen, the result of a misguided attempt to craft a makeshift Sneak-a-Toke while actual Sneak-a-Toke lay under pile of restaurant napkins in bottom of purse.

(1) Empty package Philadelphia Cream Cheese (which I occasionally like to eat by itself — IDGAF).

(3) Chewing gum wrappers, (2) of which have old gum stuck in them.

(1) iPhone 4, miraculously unscratched by the myriad of sharp pointy objects it shares a bag with.

(13) Old receipts from a variety of businesses, including but not limited to: (5) Mexican restaurants, (3) fast food joints, and (1) $15 car wash (highly unusual).

(1) Wallet. Search of said wallet yields $4 cash, (1) debit card, (1) old EBT card (that’s food stamps to you) that I abandoned after visiting my local social welfare office and decided I wasn’t quite “there” yet, and “Frequent Customer” rewards cards from the following businesses:

• Ulta Beauty Supply

• $5 Express Car Wash (Five more to free wash, will take me at least a year to complete at my current rate of car-washing)

• 49ers Tavern Burger/Dog Card (Five more hotdogs, three more burgers)

• Stearn’s Liquor Check Cashing Card (Four more, although the speed freak behind the counter actually owes me one, I’m just too scared to bring it up)

• Charley’s Steakery Cheesesteak card (Five more to free)

• 2^nd St Beauty (like, a million more stamps to get $5 off. Misers!)

• Golden Spoon (Seven more, but I’m on my 3^rd card. I know.)

(4) Loose Skittles, origins unknown. Flavors appear to be (2) strawberry, (1) orange, (1) lemon, but it’s hard to tell underneath the thick coating of purse grime.

(1) Forever 21 fake pearl ring, fake pearl coating flaked off.

(1) Empty glasses case that may or may not have been used to smuggle Adderall into work, but now holds an old roach (not a cockroach, you feel me?)

(20) Old sunflower seeds, direct result of going to the movies too much with my purseless, sunflower seed-addicted boyfriend. Consider buying him man satchel for Christmas, decision overridden by intrinsic cheapness and a plan to use this as evidence that it’s his fault my purse is such a nightmare.

($2.10) worth of change, including (1) nickel inexplicably wrapped in gum.

It’s not that bad, right? Even if it is, I don’t care. I’m a relatively high-functioning adult and as long as I keep up appearances, it’s all gravy, baby. Just, you know, if you need something, let me get it out. I don’t want you getting stuck with the old thumbtacks that line the bottom of my purse.