My Completely Fake Resume

Semi-ambitious and fully conscious beautiful biracial butterfly seeks employment. Requires 4 days off/week and $80,000/year+ salary. Will not: wear nametag or bra, answer to authority, keep regular hours, or pass a drug test. Will offer customer service based on the attractiveness of the customer, bare breasts to make sales, take TCBY breaks on a regular…

By Tessah Schoenrock

Updated 7 years ago, May 21, 2018

About Me: Semi-ambitious and fully conscious beautiful biracial butterfly seeks employment. Requires 4 days off/week and $80,000/year+ salary. Will not: wear nametag or bra, answer to authority, keep regular hours, or pass a drug test. Will offer customer service based on the attractiveness of the customer, bare breasts to make sales, take TCBY breaks on a regular basis, starting at 10 am when they open.

Education

2001-2005 :Ventura High School

Concentration: General Ed, late blooming (also see: awkwardness)
Degree: Diploma

2005-2010: California State University, Long Beach

Concentration: English Literature, alcoholism
Degree: B.A. (barely)

Work Experience

1987-present: Executive of Tessah Schoenrock Enterprises

Duties: keeping it flossy, spending parents’ money on sushi dinners, Groupons, and parking tickets.

2001-2010: Student Extraordinaire

Duties: skipping class, making up ludicrous and far-fetched excuses for said skipped classes, stalking cute boys in the library, reading books sometimes.

2008-present : Underpaid Cashier

Duties: maintaining air of apathy at all times, rolling my eyes/sighing, taking 20-minute 10-minute breaks, hiding in the bathroom.

Special Skills

Left handed (unless practicing solo sex or shooting hoops), can beat Disney’s Aladdin for Super Nintendo in 30 minutes or less, good at standing on both feet at the same time, knows closest Taco Bell location from any point in the Long Beach/Orange County area, usually wears matching shoes, knows all the words to Crazy Town’s “Butterfly,” Eminem’s “The Real Slim Shady,” and Smash Mouth’s “All Star” (among others). Makes an excellent grilled cheese sandwich. Expert at the Dougie, the Stanky Leg, and the Tootsie Roll, but is still working on her Jerk. Can fit into a size 25 jean with the help of a pair of pliers. Also bilingual: can ask, “Where’s the bathroom,” “Which way is Forever 21” and “How much is that red velvet cupcake” in three different languages.