Tessah Schoenrock

So, I’m doing this new thing where I just openly date a heap of dudes, and am going to remain ACTIVELY AND WILLFULLY SINGLE for at least a year. I’ve been doing it for about 6 months.

Moving back home when you made such a big deal of leaving in the first place (as I did) is a pretty tough banana to peel.

While we’re on the subject of teeth… dude, I totally get the emotional and physical pain of braces. I went through it. So did most of us. In middle school.

I don’t care what anyone else says, I love you. I’ve loved you since you had long hair they crimped to make you look like a mermaid and were doing choreography straight from the “Exhausted Go-Go-Dancer Handbook for Up and Coming Pop Stars” on the cheap set of “Pon de Replay.”

I’m not sayin’ I’m a gold digger… but I probably could be. Everybody has their limits, though — even those girls on Millionaire Matchmaker (read: the Jason “Gummi Bear” Davis episode). Here are five Rich Dudes that are absolutely, definitely NOT on my list of theoretical Rich Baby Daddys.

I’m not a “clean purse” kind of gal. I’m the type that treats her purse as a safe-cum-trashcan-cum traveling pantry. My boyfriend is legitimately afraid to look in there, just because he found an old Taco Bell burrito inside of it ONE TIME.

Post-shower, I figured it out and grabbed one of my mom’s maxi pads from under the sink. I struggled with the protective wings for a while before giving up and taping the damn thing to my underpants with Scotch tape. “This can’t be right,” I told myself as I squelched around swathed in what was surely the adult equivalent of a diaper.

I lived in Long Beach, CA for about six years while I futzed around at college. Yeah, it took me 5.5 years to finish college, what about it? Anyway, my last year there, I lived in a beautiful house on a corner in one of the worst neighborhoods in the city. During the 18 months I lived there, I witnessed a slew of events that can only be characterized as part of life in the hood.

Ultimately, there are way too many guys out there who consider these sex acts to be appropriate and/or arousing. Just because you saw it in a porn flick doesn’t mean it’s sexy IRL. In fact seeing it in a porn flick is a good indicator of what NOT to do in bed.

When you go out, you always end up getting too messed up due to a combination of accepting too many free drinks from losers and drinking by yourself in the corner while your friends meet nice, college-educated guys with jobs.

Do you guys know who this is? Her name is Courtney Stodden, and she rose (stumbled? Flailed?) to semi-fame after she married her 51 year old half-man, half-reptile husband (also known as the creepy prison guard from The Green Mile, also known as Doug Hutchison) at 16 years old.

Comparatively, I got off lucky. The average 419 scam victim loses $6,542, whereas I “only” lost $2,650.

Semi-ambitious and fully conscious beautiful biracial butterfly seeks employment. Requires 4 days off/week and $80,000/year+ salary. Will not: wear nametag or bra, answer to authority, keep regular hours, or pass a drug test. Will offer customer service based on the attractiveness of the customer, bare breasts to make sales, take TCBY breaks on a regular basis, starting at 10 am when they open.

Buy most of your clothes in a payday-induced frenzy at Forever 21, the Divided section at H&M, or any discount fashion warehouse. These places are usually found along prominent boulevards in bad areas of your city, and are designated by names like “Fashion 4 U,” “Fashion 4 Less,” or “Ropa Para Toda La Familia.”

How a former party girl with a lust for buffets, sequins, and boozing has never been to Vegas by 24 years old is beyond me. I’ve been obsessed with Vegas since I turned 20 and all my friends have been multiple times, but my broke ass has never been able to swing it when the opportunity presents itself.

You look down at your sippy cup and mumble, “I kinda stopped drinking.” “Oh, like you’re not drinking tonight? I totally get that, you know. Everybody needs a night off once in a while.” “No, it’s more like a permanent thing.” (HUGE AWKWARD SILENCE) The old friend says something like, “Oh, haha, hmmmdkjahjha…..” pretends to see someone else, and walks off.

The Group recites the Serenity Prayer, and you lip-synch the first few bars of “If Your Girl Only Knew” by Aaliyah (R.I.P. babygurl) because you don’t know the words. It’s too late to back out now. As everyone sits back down, individuals begin sharing their feelings and experiences based on the group topic, which is usually something like “Unity.”