Ted Pillow

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

The Butt Facial: Yeah, We Know. But It’ll Make Yours Silky Smooth — Whether this is a procedure to make my face more like my butt, or my butt more like my face, I’m going to have to decline.

An unheralded film about champion 80s arcade gamers that I serendipitously found on Hulu turned out to be one of my favorite documentaries of the decade.

I keep on having these dreams about my dad. Although, upon closer inspection, it seems that the dreams are actually about some self-conscious shame that I did not grieve enough over my dad’s death, that, in a sense, my unconscious has never fully accepted or even acknowledged my dad’s death.

You know what Lou Reed sounds like now? Well, Bob Dylan makes Lou Reed sound like Pavarotti.

I even remember with particularly horrific glee one friend from my blindingly white suburban town who christened himself as a SnoopSoldier.

Which Lifetime movie best describes the fate of your favorite NFL team’s 2013 season?

“Good things come to those who wait” sounds like the kind of thing you say to yourself for reassurance as you watch Netflix Instant for nine consecutive hours on the couch while using your undistributed résumés as rolling papers.

A highly detailed, slightly obsessive 45-minute diatribe about how you’re “so over your ex,” that actually serves to illustrate the exact opposite of the point you’re intending to convey.

I exposed those needy cravings unabashedly and without censor – straight from the knuckle-dragging frat boy Id that inhabits each of us.

I should not use Wikipedia while drinking.

Upon checking to make sure it sent correctly, realize that Gmail has horribly butchered the formatting of your piece, which now looks like it was written by a drug addict using Webdings.