Ted Pillow

So bad it’s good? Nope – these 80s cult classics may be trashy, dated, bizarre, disturbing, juvenile, and violent, but they’re also some of the most enjoyable films ever made.

After spending the past several days ignoring the demands of my daily life, I present to you some of the strangest things I found.

If you don’t pay attention during the first year of high school Spanish, it’s all downhill from there.

I am a man of constant sorrow. – Urkel Should I kill myself, or have a cup of coffee?

His movies are inherently self-conscious and deliberately artificial, but when he’s at his best there is a genuine undercurrent of emotion submerged beneath those ironic stylings.

So who are the archetypical trio, illuminating human behavior as the Turtles and the Beatles depict foursomes? The Ghostbusters. Duh. Let’s look at the three recurring personality types, employing Freudian terms with the deftness of a college freshman after two bong hits.

With less than a week till this Sunday’s Oscars, 12 Years a Slave is considered the odds-on favorite to win Best Picture.

The drunk craves profound numbness and shallow enlightenment: he has no history, no future, no God, and no partners, but he has an order of jalapeno poppers on the way, there’s a pretty girl at the other table, and an old favorite he can’t quite remember on the jukebox. His priorities are, shall we say, not in order.

Although modern technology allows us to put music in our ear holes pretty much 24/7, there are plenty of times (that dreaded morning commute comes to mind) when I’m too busy idly contemplating suicide to deal with the emotional demands of a song.

The only rule: no sequels. After all, you already know about the next Hunger Games installment, X-Men: Days of Future Past, Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, 22 Jump Street, and the like. But here are 15 enticing films that may not have popped up on your radar yet.

It’s probably worth noting that if your resolution involves giving up the very first thing you plan on doing that year, it might be unsustainable. So you might want to avoid goals like: This year, I will quit getting blackout drunk.

“Me and my orgy circle got adventurous with this and absolutely loved it… I personally had to wrap my penis in some Crime Scene tape to make it fit right.” (“Adam”)