Ted Pillow

Like the Irish countryside? How about vicious, bare-knuckle street boxing? Well then, Knuckle is the film for you, especially if you also share a passion for gypsy folk.

Which Obscure Biblical Passage Will Become the Cornerstone of Your Impending Insanity?

There’s no set rule on how long a kiss should last. A good rule of thumb is to stop once you’ve had an orgasm. Then you pretty much just crawl up into the fetal position until they leave.

People call your drug problem your “second worst habit.”

It’s never just salad tongs, of course. If somebody has salad tongs in their ass, it’s because they were trying to get the other thing out.

Once you get the phone number, it’s time to start sexting.

10 Words or Fewer Summary: Computer chess nerds congregate in hotel, insanity ensues.

Sometimes I’m just doing the best I can.

Slash your boss’s tires. “I’m afraid your drinking is getting in the way of your job,” he says. Huh! Well, dickhead, maybe this job is getting in the way of my drinking!

As with any successful product, you need to convince your potential employer that they have a serious problem to which you are the only solution; this is a method most of my ex-girlfriends refer to as “emotional terrorism.”

13. Go back to bed and grab another hour of temporary suicide.

But for all its flaws, this is still a legitimately terrifying book (a snarling, “drunken dogman” has always stuck with me) and one that provided a defining insight for my young mind: adults are really, really freaking miserable.