Ted Pillow

Power Hours are my favorite form of social drinking (side note: my favorite form of non-social drinking involves Colt 45 and Youtubing bad 80s horror movies)…

If you work in a store that uses a playlist of fewer than 100 songs for in-store music, you will probably show up for work one day wearing a trench coat and wielding an axe while screaming the lyrics to a Michelle Branch or Maroon 5 song.

On one hand, I do remember him explaining dental dams and vaginal condoms the way your 8^th grade history teacher explains the cotton gin: At no point in your life will you ever encounter this, and neither has anyone born after the Great Depression, but it’s in the textbook and I have to mention it.

Easter primarily involves two components: spending time with my family and activities based on the mistaken assumption that playing with eggs is fun. So, yeah, I’m going to need to be drinking for this one.

The holidays trudge up a lot of negative memories and associations, like the time your parents got you a geological rock kit for Christmas. These negative memories are deeply rooted, unresolved emotional scars that you probably shouldn’t be picking at.

Although scientifically proven to be more accurate than either fortune cookies or Magic 8-Balls, horoscopes can occasionally lead readers astray…

The ‘60s are similar, in that living through them apparently gave people the right to do things that are now considered morally and legally objectionable. However, the people who lived through this era of decadent drug use and sexuality are now in positions of authority requiring them to condemn today’s youth for the very same activities.

Kathy originally feared that she was unqualified to perform brain surgery on herself, but, after Googling it, she felt prepared and confident.

Yes, this is inspired by the SAT analogies segment from Late Night with Conan O’Brien. Yes, I’m aware that the SATs no longer have analogies. Yes, I remember the episode of Full House where D.J. takes the SATs. Yes, according to Saved by the Bell, Zack Morris got a 1502 on his SATs. No, that is not possible.

I will distill your entirety into a single paragraph based on completely subjective means before all is said and done, I promise.

I’m paid to analyze the most trivial thoughts and irrelevant events in the lives of complete strangers, and even I don’t care about this. I’d rather watch a Celebrity Rehab marathon than spend another second dealing with the worthless drivel you post in your “updates.”

I’m sorry that I installed Norton AntiVirus on your computer. I didn’t realize that it’s actually far more annoying and malicious than any virus could possibly be. You have to admire their audacity, though. I mean, they’re just shameless.