Ted Pillow

I do know that it’s hard to look my mom in the eye after we’ve clearly both just seen that Guiding the Pole in My Hole is playing on BraZZers TV at 8:30.

I hope I can talk about this bizarre cartoon without coming across as a stereotypical male regarding menstruation, i.e. as confused and frightened by the intricacies of the female body, visibly cringing at the mere mention of words like “period” or “tampon.”

Terminator didn’t create prophetic fears regarding artificial intelligence/self-aware machines, but it certainly helped bring them to the mainstream and struck a universal nerve.

The night typically concludes with a few selections from a series of venerable traditions: the always enjoyable Throwing Up Inside the Purse, the classic Wandering Away from Friends and Passing Out in a Bush, the dramatic Heated Argument with a Friend Over Something That Happened Six Years Ago, the Making Out with a Blurry-Faced Person Who May or May Not be Crying, and the Ravaging of the Wendy’s Number 6 Combo Meal (Lettuce Only).

What qualifies me as an Arnold Schwarzenegger expert? I can spell his last name, correctly, on command. Try me.

Become employed as the “Before” model in “Before and After” plastic surgery ads.

Do not drink alone if you are within a 5-mile radius of a McDonald’s, Domino’s, White Castle, or KFC.

It’s like that old cliché: when you run out of all other topics, the last resort of those trapped in an awkward conversation is to ask, “So, how about this weather we’ve been having?”

Michael Jackson is in a relationship with Lisa Marie Presley.

First of all, though the Friedmans are seemingly just a mild-mannered Long Island family, they’re actually really freaking strange (potential pedophilia aside).

All that matters is that the cultural forces of “Stone Cold” Steve Austin, E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial, and White Castle have finally all converged on one point of that wacky time/space continuum we call life.

I’m judging you like I caught you walking out of the bathroom without washing your hands.