16 Kinky Sex Talk Tips That Will Blow Your Partner’s Top

1.

Initiating sex talk can be the most uncomfortable part, especially if you’ve never done it before. Just like a business deal might begin with a pleasant exchange about the weather, I like to kick off sex talk with some innocuous, general observations.

“Here we are, about to fornicate,” I often begin. “The blood flow to my penis has enlarged its size and vascularity. Your bosoms please me and go a long way in compensating for other shortcomings in your physical appearance and personal comportment.

“Well, then. Let the fucking commence.”

2.

If you plan on having kinky or rough sex, the most important talk you can have is to establish a safe word. Effective safe words include “stop” and “please, stop.”

3.

Can’t think of anything to say? Just describe what’s happening!

“Oh yeah, it feels good when I touch you there, doesn’t it? Yep, that’s right, I just finished. Uh huh. Yeah, I guess technically that was still foreplay, wasn’t it? Get up and get dressed in a real hurry, hot stuff. Ooh yeah, walk out the door cursing under your breath and leave me alone and naked, once again. Mmmm hmmm. Yeah, you like that, don’t you?”

4.

Or, every time your partner says something, give it back to them as a question in your kinkiest voice. For example, if they say, “Uh huh, that feels sooo good,” you can respond, “Oh yeah, you like the way that feels?” Or if they say, “Wait, are you humming the Home Improvement theme song?” just go, “Mmm am I humming the Home Improvement theme song?”

5.

Remember that everyone has a different comfort level. You want to playfully push your partner’s boundaries, but you don’t want to emotionally scar them for life. If your partner maxes out around, “Honey, I want you so badly,” don’t start off out the gate all, “Bend over and make those stupid, sweaty balls dance, motherfucker.”

6.

You know what they say: Lady in the streets, freak in the sheets. Maniac on the dance floor. Uh, ghoul in the pool, ghost in the walls. Shape-shifting poltergeist, demonic fiend. Hail Satan, all is lost. Etc.

7.

Sex talk often revolves around fetishes. Try and figure out what secret desires drive your partner wild and craft vivid stories and scenarios around them. For reference, popular fetishes include bondage, voyeurism, role-playing, Venus flytraps, deceiving the elderly, prostate feathering, ripping Band-Aids off a Puerto Rican guy, old-fashioned P-in-the-V, Stumping the Schwab, and the meaninglessness of existence.

8.

Sure, the prevailing opinion is that people want to hear the above-mentioned wild tales of passion or dirty provocations. But honestly, many would rather just hear you recite a dope ass recipe for buffalo mac & cheese. Hell, once I finished from a well-timed score update of the Knicks game.

9.

I had a partner who’d always whisper my name during sex. “That’s nice,” I thought. “I should reciprocate.” So I took her by the nape of her neck, softly blew her hair from her ear, leaned in and whispered my name back. She must’ve orgasmed on the spot because the sex ended immediately.

10.

I know what you’re thinking: yes, this is a great time to share your Slam Poetry.

11.

But no matter how much you miss grandma, don’t pause midway for a “Moment of Silence.”

12.

Even talking dirty can get boring quickly if you don’t have a dynamic vocabulary. That’s why I recommend reinvigorating your sex talk with juicy resume verbs.

For example: “Looks like it’s time for me to demonstrate managerial prowess over your pelvic region,” “I’m about to spearhead a coordinated group effort to cultivate dat ass,” or “Girl, get the hell over here and negotiate these nipples.”

13.

I’ll never forget one time when my dad sat me down and said, “Son, everyone knows about sex talk, but what we should really be concerned with is sex listening.” And I said, “Why are you saying these things to me? I’m only 11.” He was a horrible father.

14.

Don’t be so self-conscious – let the moment dictate your words. If you’re making sweet, passionate love, whisper a tender, gentle reassurance. If the sex gets rough, say something almost over-the-line that you’ve never said before. If the moons of Jupiter are in alignment, levitate three feet above the bed and growl perverse seductions in backwards Latin.

15.

Don’t get overly confident, like that time I preemptively shouted a triumphant “Checkmate!” and then took another 45 rather awkward minutes to finish.

16.

Nothing will put your partner over the edge like a well-timed, sincere apology for your awful performance.