29 Things Only 90s Kids Will Understand
- Death.
- Life losing its flavor as quickly as a piece of Fruit Stripe gum.
- Torturing your Sims just to feel alive. Secretly wishing your Tamagotchi would die.
- Gettin’ jiggy with disappointment.
- Hailing Satan.
- Asking for a refund on your Happy Meal because you accidentally wept all over it.
- Rolling virtual dice in a chat room because there are no words to describe your all-encompassing isolation.
- Stepdads with frosted tips.
- Forsaking Jesus in a Blockbuster.
- Dostoevsky.
- The desire to craft a definitive and irrevocable away message and remain idle for eternity.
- Losing your will to live in a minivan on a road trip to Hershey Park.
- Getting bullied by your imaginary friends.
- Seeing your hopes and dreams unspool like an Ace of Base cassette tape.
- That sinking feeling that Encarta ’95 never had all the answers.
- Waldo is fucked.
- Buying 12 CDs for a penny, paying for the 13th with your soul (plus $35 shipping and handling).
- The unbearable ignominy cast upon you by a shelf of Participation Awards and Good Sportsmanship trophies.
- Blowing insignificant specks of dust from a Super Nintendo cartridge and inexplicably weeping.
- Forgetting to “Be Kind and Rewind” and then finding out the next day your dad is going on a “permanent business trip.”
- The disquieting realization that even Faith Hill can’t save us now.
- Woe.
- Your childhood delusions slowly decaying in front of a live studio audience in Nickelodeon Studios at Universal Studios, Florida.
- Asking a Magic 8-Ball if there was a God and getting the answer “Outlook not so good.”
- Having a panic attack at the Book Fair.
- Upgrading to AOL 5.4 and feeling that same ol’ loneliness.
- The curious urge to fill up a Super Soaker with your tears and ruin Todd’s annual Birthday Pool Party Bash once and for all.
- Asking for a bowl-cut as a cry for help.
- Melissa Joan Hart.
