42 Things To Do On 4/20

1. You know that ambitious dream you’ve always wanted to accomplish? Yeah, it’s not happening today.

2. Watch every Bob Ross episode you can find on YouTube.

3. Masturbate to something that no one has ever masturbated to before. Masturbate to the sunset.

4. Complete all of the activities in an issue of Highlights magazine.

5. Spend more time thinking about how incredible Venus flytraps are than you’ve spent in the past year thinking about your career goals.

6. Find Waldo.

7. Now find your inner Waldo. Woah.

8. Write a nonsensical letter to the White House and get yourself put on a government watch list.

9. Yo where’s the astronaut ice cream at

10. Start your own jam band using only objects you found in a nearby dumpster.

11. Give your cat some catnip and get into a deep conversation with him about 9/11 conspiracies and like what if dinosaurs had learned agriculture dude.

12. Try to e-mail Joey Fatone.

13. Watch The Shining and develop your own bizarre theory as to its hidden meaning.

14. Just kidding, NEVER watch The Shining while high – for when you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares back at you.

15. Indoor hiking.

16. Bust out your Sega Genesis and attempt to beat every game you own that still works. I’m coming for you, Road Rash!

17. Try to sync Dark Side of the Moon and The Wizard of Oz. Somehow wind up watching an episode of Family Matters while listening to Alannis Morrisette.

18. Wait dude, did Carl just mouth the second verse to “You Oughta Know“ or am I losing my shit right now?

19. Try every flavor of Doritos. In one bite.

20. Nap in an unusual spot, like the kitchen floor or in the middle of an existential crisis.

21. Pretend it’s 1994 and watch music videos all day.

22. Organize the members of the Wu-Tang Clan for an Ocean’s 11-style heist.

23. Invent your own strain of weed, like Blueberry Zombie, Butt Kush, or Diet Sprite.

24. Work out. I used to run exclusively while high because I think running is the most boring thing in the world. It made perfect sense to me, but everybody told me it was the oddest thing they’d ever heard. Granted, I’m pretty sure I was running in slow motion the whole time.

25. Figure out which real-life mega-corporation is really Skynet.

26. Take the PSATs.

27. Put a humidifier and a dehumidifier in the same room and lock the door. Hello, Nobel Prize.

28. Write your own poetry.

29. Download some sick beats. Read your poetry aloud over them. This must be what Tupac felt like.

30. Make a scarecrow and prop him up on your couch.

31. Watch as the scarecrow begins to suffer barely perceptible tics and spasms before eventually standing up on its own and walking gingerly around the room. The scarecrow starts to speak, mimicking your voice and mannerisms. You rapidly deteriorate, your hair falling out and your memory vanishing. You sink to the ground, crumbling to dust. The scarecrow is whispering something into your girlfriend’s ear – they laugh and laugh and laugh. The scarecrow is you now.

32. Invent your own Wayans brother.

33. Watch some cartoons. Realize they all feature subliminal messaging about the JFK assassination.

34. Eat your high school yearbook.

35. Watch the main event from every single WrestleMania. Provide your own commentary.

36. Write Cheech & Chong erotic fan-fiction.

37. Test the Bagel Bites proof – namely, that when pizza is on a bagel, it is theoretically possible to eat pizza any time.

38. Hey, isn’t Boyhood the exact same plot as Billy Madison WAIT WHAT.

39. Smoke out of something unusual, like an apple or an old skull you dug up at the cemetery.

40. Act out the lyrics to a Cypress Hill song.

41. Tie-dye your regrets.

42. Make your dealer a homemade Thank You card and a macaroni necklace.