30 Horrible Movie Ideas That Are Still Better Than Michael Bay’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

1. Speed 3: Booze Control

• It’s Speed on a party bus. Sandra Bullock’s driving all hammered and Keanu’s like, “Woahhhh…”

2. Two Hours of Michael Bay playing with action figures in his sandbox

3. Dunston Checks Into Rehab

4. The Adventures of Mary-Kate & Ashley: Special Victims Unit

5. The Expendables: The Musical!

6. Woody Allen’s 90 Minute Bikram Yoga Bootie Burn

7. A Sister, Sister reboot starring Michael Cera and Jesse Eisenberg

8. Wes Anderson’s Unbearably Precious Ninja Turtles

9. The Passion of the Little Rascals

• In Aramaic and Latin with subtitles, NC-17.

10. Shia LeBeowulf

11. Alien v. Predator v. Roe v. Wade

12. 90 Minutes Alone with Seth MacFarlane

13. David O. Russell’s Inexplicably Manic Ninja Turtles

14. Four Score and Seven Years at Bernie’s

15. Where’s Waldo’s Prostate?

• A surprisingly graphic educational health film.

16. Dennis the Menace Goes to Juvie

17. MTV’s Teenage Pregnant Ninja Turtles

18. Drunk History: Starring Mel Gibson

19. The Avengers Battle The Human Centipede!

20. Driving Miss Daisy: Re-released in 3D!

21. Terrence Malick’s Existentially Ponderous Ninja Turtles

22. My Dinner with Andre the Giant

23. America’s Funniest Homebirth Videos

24. Stop! Or My Mom Will Develop Osteoporosis

25. Dick/Off

• A Face/Off remake with one significant alteration. Still starring Nicolas Cage and John Travolta, obviously.

26. Joe Camel Saves Christmas

27. Mrs. Doubtfire’s Autopsy

28. David Lynch’s Profoundly Disturbing Ninja Turtles

29. Honey, I Catfished the Kids

30. Soulless Nostalgia: The Movie!