The 9 Different Types Of Penises There Are

The Chode

(Spelling Note: I’m going with the OED/Merriam-Webster spelling of “chode” rather than Random House’s designation of “choad” for snobby grammatical reasons.)

Perhaps the most unfairly maligned and cruelly taunted of all penises, the Chode is often defined as a “penis that is wider than it is long.” While certainly within the realm of anatomic possibility, that’s a rather rare occurrence, and the term “chode” has more commonly been used to describe any penis that’s rather portly and which generally resembles Danny DeVito’s body. Although the Chode is widely ridiculed for its overweight appearance, studies have shown that many women find penis width more important than length. Unfortunately, that doesn’t change the fact that your dick is just a pair of glasses and a balding horseshoe away from trading verbal barbs with Seinfeld and Elaine.

The Slim Jim

The inverse of the Chode, the Slim Jim (aka the #2 Pencil) is tall and thin, regal and intellectual, and most likely not very enjoyable for your partner. While the Slim Jim appears more physically fit than the Chode, it is actually less desirable and has been described as “bookish” and “aloof,” and has led many to question, “Are you sure it’s in my vagina? Because I’m pretty sure it’s not my vagina.”

Mr. Snuffleupagus

The wooly mammoth of wiener, Mr. Snuffleupagus is an ancient relic more likely to be found under thick layers of Arctic ice than in the living, breathing flesh. A truly endangered species nearly rendered extinct due to the increased hygienic and grooming standards of modern society, Mr. Snuffleupagus was particularly dominant in 70s and early 80s pornographic film. Shaggily hirsute and most likely quite pungent, Mr. Snuffleupagus is not missed by those who came in contact with it, many of whom were never even able to determine where the penis ended and the scrotum began.

The Sad Wizard

Ah, the Sad Wizard… truly the most mysterious of all penises. Enshrouded in a droopy robe of enigmatic foreskin, the Sad Wizard often defies categorization: Is it erect or flaccid? Big or small? Disdainful or bemused? Seriously, what the shit is going down there? We’re never sure — all of these secrets and more are hidden under the Sad Wizard’s skin trench coat.

The Channing Tatum

Simply put, a Channing Tatum is the most dreamy, gorgeous, and resplendent dong around. First of all, this thing is chiseled, with a seemingly astray 6-pack of muscles halfway up its imposing shaft. As if that wasn’t enough, the head is simply to die for: scrubbed pink skin, high-set cheekbones (don’t ask), and a come-hither look that promises, “Yeah girl, I’m tough — but not too tough to love you.” Did I mention it can dance?

The Robitussin

The only penis to be stamped with a warning from the Surgeon General (“SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING: Robitussin Penises may be hazardous to your health.”), Robitussins should be considered highly contagious and avoided at all costs. Named because they appear to be in dire need of a dose of cherry-flavored Robitussin, they are generally discolored, feverish, and, in some cases, actually capable of coughing.

The Leaning Tower of Penis

Known for its cockeyed slant, the Leaning Tower of Penis always looks like it’s battling a strong gale on a windy day. Notoriously difficult to make eye contact with or comfortably navigate, the Leaning Tower of Penis can make life challenging due to its penchant for inadvertently poking innocent bystanders at geometrically improbable angles, but is useful for various other jobs like prying open paint cans or scratching that hard-to-reach spot on your back.

The Owen Wilson’s Nose

While sturdy, prominent, and charmingly Roman Catholic, the Owen Wilson’s Nose won’t win any beauty pageants. It certainly gets the job done — in fact, it’s been found in close proximity to a great deal of beautiful women — but it’s homely to the point of distraction, leading many to wonder, “Why doesn’t he get that thing fixed?” as well as “How does it curve like that? Is that a dent? It looks like it got kicked by a horse…”

Hulk Hogan’s Bicep

Take a close look at Hulk Hogan’s bicep: note the skin tone that could be most accurately described as “Movie Theater Hot Dog Orange,” the veiny gristle, the rubbery texture, the preponderance of odd lumps and saggy protuberances. It almost looks like some kind of hideous prosthetic, doesn’t it? Unfortunately, years of anabolic steroids, excessive tanning, and strenuous flexing have rendered Hogan’s muscles fluorescent and freakish; even more unfortunately, a Hulk Hogan Bicep penis shares all of those same off-putting qualities, as well as the implacable impression of hazardous toxicity. Hulk Hogan Biceps are hard to miss because they are generally (and inexplicably) three shades tanner than the rest of the accompanying groin area. The overworked cranks of many porn stars fall into this category due to years of skin-stretching boners and vigorous sexual intercourse.