So, You Want To Shave Your Balls

First of all, let’s make sure this is something you really want to do. Shaving your balls should never be a whimsical, spur of the moment decision — it requires prudence and forethought. I mean, do you even have a good reason for shaving your balls? What, are you entering them in a beauty contest? Will they be participating in some kind of “Balls Pageant,” where they will be judged by a panel of former celebrities on qualities like texture, heft, and elasticity, as well as their performance in the prestigious Evening Wear competition?

I severely doubt it. Most likely, you just think there’s a 2% chance you will be getting laid soon. And is that really worth shaving what is essentially just a delicate, skin-covered water balloon containing the entirety of your manhood?

You’re right, it’s worth it. After all, the only thing more aesthetically pleasing than a formless, wrinkled sack of flesh is a hairless, formless, wrinkled sack of flesh. There’s no doubt the fortunate lady or fellow in question will be thanking her or his lucky stars over the glory that is your balls: is that Channing Tatum’s face, or your nuts?

But you should be forewarned that the process will be nerve-racking for both you and your testicles. And while I can’t claim to be some kind of Ball-Shaving Wizard — at least not until those new business cards arrive — I can help you weigh some of your potential options at the outset of this endeavor.

For starters, you need to decide exactly how you want to go about cropping your cones. Perhaps you were thinking something bold or exotic, like some sort of hair removal cream? Eh, sounds pretty goopy. Laser hair removal? Too expensive; also, involves a laser pointed at your reproductive organs. Professional waxing? No; also, no.

Unfortunately, it’s time to face the grim reality that you will be using a razor on your very own Mario Van Peebles. Therefore, the real question is, electric or disposable?

Many people shear their scrotum with an electric razor. While this is probably the safest and/or most efficient method, you can count me out. Personally, I don’t like anything with a motor to come in direct contact with my genitals (incidentally, I believe this is also a tenet of the Muslim faith). Nay, my advice is to use ye ole’ disposable razor (although, preferably not the same one you use on your face; ironically, the one your roommate uses on his face will do just fine). However, depending on what you’re working with down there, you may need to employ scissors before shaving. Frankly, this is a rather horrific prospect for me, as I suffer from a chronic aversion towards scissors.

For illustrative purposes, recall the 1980s wrestler Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake. Beefcake rose to an inexplicable level of popularity during my childhood because of a rather ingenious gimmick that managed to cover up the fact that he was easily the worst wrestler in North America: after finishing opponents off with his trademark sleeper hold, a move which purportedly knocked his foe unconscious, Brutus would add insult to injury by taking gigantic, industrial-sized shears and cutting off their hair off while they lay comatose on the mat. Members of the audience pointed and laughed in merriment as Beefcake haphazardly wielded his tool, while I covered my eyes in abject fear. “Good God!” I’d shout, “He’s going to cut that poor man’s ear off!” Needless to say, I was too neurotic to make a very good wrestling fan.

Try not to picture this man when shaving your balls:

Well, as the old saying goes, “Now it’s time to remove the pubic hair from your scrotum.” Like any kind of shaving, the best time to undergo the procedure is after a nice, warm shower; your follicles will be loose and relaxed, or something. I also recommend creating a playlist of your favorite late-era P.O.D. songs to commemorate the event, but that’s just me.

Begin by semi-crouching, sort of like a nude, wet catcher calling for a high fastball. Then, simultaneously splay your feet and ankles outward while bringing your knees together and forming two 75 degrees angles with your elbows. Now, grab your scrotum, unravel it 4 to 5 inches, and start shaving in long, erratic strokes — think of your razor as a rake and your pubes as leaves. The recommended pace is: vigorous. At some point, remember to look in the mirror. Observe the sopping wet manchild, his nut sack outstretched, penis flopping limply against pallid thigh, and send any of your remaining self-respect in a self-addressed envelope straight to hell. Then rinse off.

Voila! Your previously hirsute man-pouch is now a raw and pinkish expanse of razed skin. How arousing! See how it resembles a plucked chicken ready to be massacred and consumed? The way it calls to mind clammy meat wrapped in cellophane and labeled with cooking instructions from the Perdue Farms chicken-processing corporation? Mmm mmm. Your transformation into a Grade A hunk is now complete. Back off ladies, there’s not enough saggy, goose-bumped flesh for everyone! On second thought, maybe there is, it’s pretty warm in here…