Increasingly Awful Questions To Ask During Your Job Interview

A/S/L?

I’m not sure how Affirmative Action works, but does the fact that I’m left-handed score me any points?

Is this forever?

The experience of working for this company is most similar to which Police Academy movie and why? And also how? Please answer in four words or less.

What are your three least favorite things about my face?

Wazzzzzzzzzuppppp?!??

You’re being ironic with that tie, right?

[Fingers visibly crossed] Now, just how thorough will this background check be?

Do your computers run on the AOL 2.0 Operating System? Also, will the nitty-gritty mechanics of “Cut & Paste” be covered during orientation?

If we stared into each other’s eyes and concentrated with extreme focus and precision, do you think we could continue this interview without ever opening our mouths?

Will I be expected to speak with or look at my coworkers?

Is there a “Bring Your Child to Work” day? And, if a worker does not have a child of his own, is he expected to obtain one by whatever means necessary? Wow, did I just write the plot to Taken 3?

Can you cover my first shift? I know I haven’t been hired yet, but I’ve got a thing that day…

Of course I would never expect you to tell me how much you make, so can you write it down on this piece of paper instead?

Did I make it clear that by “web design,” I mean that I used Angelfire to make a website about Kid Rock in 7^th grade?

Will it be a problem that a recent class action lawsuit has legally prohibited me from multitasking?

Will you be drug testing me, and, if so, would you consider a positive or negative result more desirable?

So what the hell do you guys do here, anyway?

Okay, Fuck Marry Kill: A very sexually attractive woman with a terrible, cruel personality; a more classically and naturally beautiful woman whom you could easily imagine yourself growing old with; and Hitler. Wait, I feel like that’s not a good one…

[While picking up a pair of scissors from the interviewer’s desk] So, has my long-term disability coverage kicked in yet, or what?

Two-part question: One, can I smoke in here? Two, can I smoke Angel Dust in here?

Is this mutually degrading or are you cool with it?

Please tell me about a time when you overcame adversity, worked collaboratively with peers, handled a delicate situation tactfully, created an innovative solution, learned from a mistake, dealt with a difficult supervisor, and all of those other cookie-cutter bullshit questions you asked me combined.

So is this a casting couch situation? Because I’m okay with that, but, to be honest, I was hoping you’d be more attractive.

Will I be replacing you? Because I just want to state, for the record, that I find you to be awful and that my first act with this company will be finding a way to fire or legally murder you.

Rapid fire: Is commoditizing me a pleasurable experience? Does the process of quantifying me result in a rush of blood to the tip of your penis? Do you consider this “dirty talk”? Do you masturbate to cover letters? If I was to reveal to you that I was in actuality, say, a functioning conveyor belt or a hydraulic machine press, would the relationship of your dong to the floor be perpendicular or parallel?