Questions You Probably Won’t Hear At The Presidential Debates

Now, regarding your domestic policies: Is the McRib coming back?

Are you nervous? ‘Cuz you look kind of nervous.

Even if you think the end result is painfully old-fashioned, can you at least admire the incredible effort that goes into claymation?

So what are the odds we’re in a legit 1984 dystopia by the next election?

The Blue Album or Pinkerton? I’m judging you either way.

Do you eat the crust of the pizza? Sorry, but on principle, I just can’t vote anybody for president who throws out the pizza crust.

Ever hear that old story about how everyone who heard the Nixon/Kennedy debate on the radio thought Nixon won, but everyone who watched it on TV thought Kennedy won? Supposedly it was just because Kennedy looked young and attractive and Nixon was all sweaty and had that face that was like 90% eyebrows and jowls. Sure does make us Americans sound pretty shallow though, huh? Anyway, who do you think passes the “TV test”? Like, if you had to bang one of your rival candidates, who would ya pick?

Do you pronounce “coupon” the stupid way?

Colt 45 or Old E? Oh dude, do you drink one of those sketchy knockoff brands? It’s malt liquor, man… sometimes it’s worth it to pay extra for quality.

Are you one of those people who’s always like, “Ugh, I hate this season’s SNL cast…” every single freaking year?

So what the hell was the deal with that guy in the bear suit giving another other guy a blowjob in that particularly disturbing scene towards the end of The Shining?

How pumped do you get when you substitute onion rings for your fries at Burger King?

Do you ever harbor the fear that your cat secretly despises you? And furthermore, do you fear that you also hate your cat? That you are unable to transcend the master/pet dichotomy and develop a relationship that would be more fulfilling for both of you? Wait, do you even have a cat? Sorry, I got a little ahead of myself there.

If typing “Chuck Woolery nude” into Google images with SafeSearch disabled is wrong, do you even want to be right?

What the hell is with all these kids being allergic to peanuts nowadays, anyway?

Straight up: was Mr. Feeny molesting Cory?

Is this a rhetorical question?

Do you ever feel an overwhelming urge to get high off massive doses of over-the-counter drugs like Preparation H and Vick’s VapoRub, only to wake up in a cold sweat on the toilet, wrenching your gnarled hands and cursing yourself silently as you laboriously defecate? Or is that just me? Just me, eh?

Was Speed 2: Cruse Control a bona fide hate crime?

Do you ever get really OCD about correctly titling everything in your iTunes library and spend like 45 minutes editing it? For instance, do you feel a deep-seated compulsion to consistently use the nomenclature The Notorious B.I.G., as opposed to Notorious B.I.G, or Notorious BIG, or even Biggie Smalls?

Did you know that the Electoral College isn’t actually a college? And that if you put that you went there on your resume, employers will catch on to you pretty quickly?

Is it just me, or was Freud right about a lot of the uncomfortable stuff that everyone has been so eager to dismiss over the years?

Okay, so try and follow my logic on this one because I think I’ve got a solution that just might solve all our problems: so the US debt is like $14 trillion, right? I know, I know, sounds pretty bad. But think about it – the US has a population of roughly 312 million people. So let’s just do a little math here… 14 trillion divided by 312 million…carry the one… and… see, each American just has to pay a one-time fee of about $45,000 to eliminate the debt once and for all! Wait… did I just say $45,000? Every single American would need to pay $45,000??? OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL TOTALLY SCREWED! How could we ever let this happen? I’m holding you personally responsible! (Pointing aggressively) Yes, you! Explain right now, how the hell could we ever have let this happen?!?

Is this “recycling” thing a fad, or do you think it’s here to stay?

Can one of you guys give me a job?