The Worst Horoscopes In History

Horoscope Date: April 15, 1865

Victim: Abraham Lincoln

Sign: Aquarius

After years of hard work, today offers an opportunity for delectation and relaxation. In other words, stop toiling under the strains of paperwork and take a “chill pill!”* Go for a night on the town, imbibe heedlessly in alcoholic beverages, and take in a show. Erase every worry and doubt from your troubled mind. Be receptive to unexpected pleasures, including genial strangers — particularly a Taurus with three names. Let your guard down! Definitely disregard those incredibly vivid dreams you’ve been having that seemingly reveal every detail of your impending death. And stop asking everyone if they’ve “invented a bulletproof top hat yet” because people are starting to think you’re weird.

Also, consider shaving any eccentric facial hair. It’s just not working, okay?

*We wholeheartedly recommended “Farmer Brown’s Chill Pill and Colonic Tonic” (also a fine remedy for gout).

Rating: ********** (10 out of 10 stars)

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Horoscope Date: August 16, 1977

Victim: Elvis Presley

Sign: Capricorn

Sick and tired of people criticizing your lifestyle and comparing you to your younger self? Good. That means that you’re every bit as driven and talented as you’ve always been. Tell those naysayers to back off, because you haven’t lost a step. Celebrate your newfound confidence by enjoying all of the pleasures that those wet blankets you call “friends” have been condemning. Eat whatever the hell you want, smoke a few cigars, and wash it all down with some stiff drinks. Self-medicate to your heart’s content. If anyone tries to interfere, just mumble incoherently, swivel your hips, and point indiscriminately into the distance. Remember to eat lots of fiber to ensure that your body can adequately process this joyous diet.

Rating: ********* (9 out of 10 stars)

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Horoscope Date: February 7, 1991

Victim: Vanilla Ice

Sign: Scorpio

Achieving unparalleled success in the blink of an eye can be overwhelming. Many people in your shoes might worry whether current good fortunes can possibly continue; or, they might become fixated on preparing for the future instead of living in the moment. Do not fall into this trap, because these triumphs will never end or diminish in any way. Even considering that they ever could is morbid and totally uncool. Make sure you adopt this attitude in your general persona, and, specifically, in your interactions with others. You deserve everything that has come your way, and you should act accordingly. In other words: this is going to last forever, dude. So cancel that meeting with your financial advisor and go buy that flaming red Ferrari that caught your eye yesterday.

Rating: ********* (9 out of 10)

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Horoscope Date: July 6, 1992

Victim: Eddie Murphy

Sign: Aries

After all of your recent accomplishments, you are feeling both satisfied and weary. And who could blame you? You’ve worked very hard to get where you are. That’s why it’s time to ease up — but, not by slowing your schedule. Resist this temptation and continue working, just not as hard. Start taking shortcuts, but keep signing your name on the dotted line. Don’t worry, this totally won’t affect your reputation. In fact, people will gain respect for your newfound dedication to mediocrity and seeming inability to ever say “no.” Your future promises talking animals, cross-dressing, and projects that can be described in eight words or less (i.e.: “miniature aliens control man-shaped spaceship,” “man enters daughter’s imaginary world,” “man permitted 1000 words for rest of life”).

Rating: ******** ½ (8.5 out of 10)

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Horoscope Date: April 3, 2012

Victim: Trix Rabbit

Sign: Pisces

Don’t be discouraged by a long string of personal and professional failures, because today is the day where you finally get what you’ve been craving! Your incredible determination and persistence will finally pay off — as long as you continue to do exactly what you’ve been doing. Do not change your methods or re-evaluate your priorities. Throw out the contact information for that addiction program your mother’s been begging you to enter and ignore the advice of friends. You will not be thwarted today — the stars guarantee it. Beware of Gemini and tricky kids. Stay away from that god damned annoying toucan, too.

Rating: ************** (14 out of 10 stars)