Sexts And Socialism: Updated Definitions For 2012

Bromance — A totally heterosexual relationship between two men who just happen to be really close and enjoy spending time together.

Todd thought about how much he enjoyed his bromance with Chad as they took turns spotting each other during their inner thigh workout routine at the gym.

Comic Book — A film script.

I went to the comic book store to check out what movies would be coming out next year.

Global Warming — 1. The detrimental effect of human behavior on the Earth’s climate, as observed in many recent ecological events.

It’s so hot out today, how could anyone think global warming isn’t real?

2. An attempt to generate fear over a series of natural ecological events by connecting them to a nonexistent pattern of global climate change.

It’s so cold out today, how could anyone think global warming is real?

Google (verb) — To instantly acquire knowledge, even in circumstances when the topic is particularly dense or esoteric.

Kathy originally feared that she was unqualified to perform brain surgery on herself, but, after Googling it, she felt prepared and confident.

Newspaper — In modern usage, “newspaper” denotes neither “news” nor “paper.” Rather, it refers to an online source (with nebulous ties to a decaying print-based medium) for gossip and misinformation.

I used my iPhone to read the newspaper’s Pulitzer Prize winning coverage of the American Idol voter scandal.

Occupy — To just kind of chill out somewhere, you know? But like in a protest-y sort of way. Get it? That guy over there gets it. That guy’s cool.

This would be a good place to make an “I just occupied (insert noun)” joke.

Reality television — A genre of television featuring scripted scenarios and manufactured personas.

That reality television show has some of the best writers in Hollywood.

Sext (verb) — To text pictures of a sexual nature to another person, with the expectation of eventually receiving reciprocal pictures and/or being blackmailed.

I put a lot of thought into whether or not I should try sexting with Brenda, until I eventually just wound up hitting the “send” button by accident.

Sex Tape — A recording of a sexual encounter, featuring one or more celebrities (or prospective celebrities), that is discretely leaked to the press for publicity.

With his celebrity at an all-time low, Dan Aykroyd released a sex tape to get his career back on track.

Socialism — An economic theory vaguely associated with government ownership and redistribution of wealth, and espoused only the insidious offspring of Satan.

When accused of being both a pedophile and a proponent of socialism, Juan responded, “Hey! I’m not a socialist!”

Social network — A web site designed as a substitute for interpersonal communication.

Thanks to my continued presence on a popular social network, it took years for my friends and family to realize I had become an agoraphobic hermit.

Vampires — Undead creatures (usually sexualized) of varying characteristics, that are used primarily to liven up otherwise mundane movies, TV shows, and books aimed at teenagers.

I thought The Catcher in the Rye was okay, but it would’ve been a lot better if Holden Caulfield was a vampire.

Video Games — Software that provides users access to incredibly detailed, fully realized alternative universes that are far more enjoyable than regular life.

Steve became addicted to video games after deciding that killing zombies in a post-apocalyptic wasteland was slightly more satisfying than working at Bed, Bath, & Beyond and living in his parent’s unfinished basement.