18 Ways I Don’t Want You To Prove Your Masculinity To Me

Guess what, boo? I didn’t want to bang you before you cracked that dude's head against a wall, and I sure as fuck do not wanna drop trou now.

By Tatiana Pérez

Updated 9 years ago, February 1, 2016

1. By getting in a fight.

Guess what, boo? I didn’t want to bang you before you cracked that dude’s head against a wall, and I sure as fuck do not wanna drop trou now.

2. By bragging about how much money you make.

Holy shit, guy. Tell me the part about how you’re gonna be making six figures before your 25th birthday again. But this time, tell me slow. In Pig Latin. In a Russian accent. Yeeeaaa. I like dat.

3. By spending money you don’t have.

You know what’s, like, way sexier than a guy who orders bottle service? A guy who doesn’t, and therefore has > $100 in his bank account.

4. By refusing to STFU about your econ major.

Omg, babe, I literally could not care less. LITERALLY. Please go ramble about your  “VERY DIFFICULT, VERY PRACTICAL” degree to someone who gives a single shit.

5. By refusing to do basic grooming.

Jesus christ, dude, your nails look like you just scratched at a pile of horse poo for a decade. YOU MUST NOT BE GAY, AFTER ALL!

6. By driving like a maniac.

Wow-wow-wee-wow, buddy! You’re going pushing 100mph in a 30 zone?! In a residential area??! With kids running around and my heart in my ass?????!!! HOT.

7. By proving how much you can drink.

You know what gets me WET af? When you pass out in a pool of your own piss after losing, like, a million games of pong. Omg. Take me nao.

8. By ignoring me.

WHY do u insist on screening my calls in an effort to make me seem needy/get it poppin? Just answer me so we can get our shit in on schedule. Fml. Boys be dumb.

9. By hitting on other girls.

If I like you, I like you. Grinding ur weiner against another girl’s butt cheeks is going to make me less horny, and more vengeful. :)

10. By wearing muscle tees when it’s cold outside.

Chhhrrrriiiiisttttttt I mean is there ANYTHING manlier than a dude who loves to be freezing?! …Wait, yea, there is.

11. By way, way overeating.

Like ew, dude. Why do guys think that eating five times what their stomach comfortably holds is hot/validating???

12. By talking down to anyone in customer service.

Can’t even make a joke here. Unless you want me to throw up on u, don’t talk to the cab driver like they owe you something. Cuz to be clear, if you do, I will throw up on u. Which will be gross.

13. By refusing to cry when you’re v sad.

Wait, you like, can’t even remember the last time you cried? Very impressive. A very, very large pee-pee you have, I’m sure.

14. By trying to (physically) lift me up.

Especially when we probably weigh pretty much the same amount. Like no.

15. By sending unsolicited dick pics.

Unless your wang outmeasures one of those six-foot Subway sandwiches, prepare for me to be extremely unimpressed.

16. By over-growing unattractive facial hair.

Sorry, dude. Not even Joaquin Phoenix could pull of that whack ass Joaquin Phoenix bear-beard look.

17. By insisting that you drive my car.

I don’t have a car, but if I did, I’d run u over with it.

18. By acting like an asshole.

Fin.