‘I’m So Hammered Right Now’ And 9 Other Ways No College Guy Should Ever Start A Conversation With A Woman

1. “I’m so hammered right now…”

Ummmmmm let me get this straight, Daniel. You drank 32 beers tonight and have boot ’n rallied twice already……and my panties haven’t already dropped for u? CHRIST DANIEL WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?

2. “I went on an epic hike this morning…”

Daniel. Ur trying to tell me u woke up at SIX AY EM to hike ur butt ALL the way up that big ass man’s mountain????? Praise u, Daniel.

3. “…And then I lifted till my whole body hurt…”

Daniel. U. Cannot. Be serious. U CAN LIFT UP TO FIVE MILLION POUNDS???? Daniel my god ur wee wee must resemble a small child’s arm.

4. “I’m kinda dank ass at rapping…”

I mean……Daniel. I have literally never in my life heard a white boy recite Nicki Minaj’s verse in Monster as transformatively as u just did. Ur an artist and a feminist, at that. Take me here, Daniel. Take me now.

5. “…And you’ve got dank ass music taste…”

Danielllllllllll you’re too much. I know you’re incredibly impressed that, yes, I—a GIRL who, biologically speaking, is not wired to “know rap”—know this very mainstream Big Sean song and figured out how to play it real loud on these big speakers all by my little self…but enough about me. Let’s get back to Daniel.

6. “When I’m not working out, I’m working on my philosophy thesis…”

So there’s form………and then there’s formlessness, right…? And then there’s ur weiner in and around my whole body. Daniel I’m truly wet right now.

7. “Let me tell you about my car…”

Daniel my love…if you’d told me ur parents sent you to college with two Range Rovers and a Ferrari a little sooner, you would’ve been in my pants ages ago. Get over here.

8. “Obama is the worst U.S. president of all time…”

Sorry sorry sorry Daniel you lost me at the corner of You’re A Fucking Idiot and You Should Really Consider Majoring In BEING DRAMATIC.

9. “Have you ever looked yourself up on ancestry.com…?”

So you’re telling me, Daniel, that you’re exactly 1/4 English, 1/4 German, 1/4 Dutch, and 1/4 Danish…..?!! Jesus Daniel you’ve got flavor!

10. “This one time, on my service trip to Africa…”

Daniel, babe, you seriously know more about Africa than anyone I’ve ever met…ever. Just to summarize ur deep knowledge: 1. Africa is one big country; 2. The country of Africa personally asked for u, Daniel, to fly down to take photos embracing (and therefore critically improving the lives of) little Black kids; 3. U have several Black friends. Did I miss anything?