From ‘The Batshit Bitch’ To ‘The Sappy Slut’: What Does Your Google Search History Say About You?
Send me a screenshot of your search history, and I'll tell which of these 12 crazy bitches you are.
Screenshots brought to you by my psycho best friends—keep doing u, you crazy bitches, you.
1. The Batshit Bitch
The Batshit Bitch boasts a Web history almost as psychotic as she is. She’s deeply interested in hairless cats, Jamaican colloquialisms, and DIY sinus treatments (lolll, uh blohhh):
2. The Sappy Slut
The Sappy Slut is just as responsible as she is romantic. She’ll interrupt her weekly STD Symptom search session to get her Celine Dion on:
3. The Superstitious Girlfriend
The Superstitious Girlfriend needs answers from the cosmos, and she needs them NOW. She’s been known to ask Siri for advice re: her slutty boyfriend. All of her life problems, of course, can be attributed to Mercury’s being in retrograde:
4. The Obsessive Hypochondriac
The Obsessive Hypochondriac is under constant, imminent threat of having a heart attack (and/or stroke and/or “angina”???) at the ripe age of 21:
5. The Concerned Pooper
Close friend of the Obsessive Hypochondriac, The Concerned Pooper is plagued by inexplicably green doodie:
6. The Body Inspector
The Body Inspector is just as vexed by her chafed nipples as The Concerned Pooper is by her d-ray. Both just want some peace of mind (and Asian food of any kind):
7. The Stoooooner
The Stoooooner is, ualreadykno, stoned. She may or may not be in the the market for a new vape:
8. The Celebrity Backstalker
The Celebrity Backstalker prays nightly to the #squadgoals gods to take her back to 2006 and the best friendship Hollywood’s ever been blessed with:
9. The Celebrity Couples Counselor
Closely related but distinct from The Celebrity Backstalker, The Celebrity Couples Counselor is, understandably, deep in mourning over the Jen-Ben spit (as you can imagine, she’s very concerned about the kids):
10. The Hip-Hop Legend
The Hip-Hop legend is a renegade rapper chick who definitely does NOT use Shazam as often as you might suspect:
11. The Politica
The Politica has interned on The Hill and def knows the difference between carnitas and carne asada (cuz she’s culturally sensitive like that). When it comes to internet frivolity, surfing Gawker is just about as wild as she gets:
12. The Very Chill Girl
Finally, The Very Chill Girl is equal parts very concerned about the outcome of the NBA draft and eager to restock her hardware drawer at “h brookman and sons” (Brookman? Brickman? Something like that.) What the below search history might not reveal, however, is that The Very Chill Girl does not know wtf an “NBA” is and has never stepped foot in a hardware store in her very, very chill life (note French iPhone settings, lolol):
