22 Airtight Excuses You Make For Your Adderall Habit

1. You wake up with your stomach in your ass after a a brutal night of tequila blanco shots. This is literally the worst hangover you’ve ever had. You need to feel like a human today.

2. You survive the office, and now you need to unwind again. But you’re sleepy. So you blow a little candy for turn-up motivation.

3. It’s facilitated your new normal. You feel more tweaked out when you don’t take it.

4. You have class in 20 minutes and you’re stoned as fuck. You can’t be braindead in front of this professor. What choice do you have?

5. You’re not a different person when you’re on it, just… improved. Thinner. Sharper.

6. You have two weeks to shrink your winter chub for spring break bikini pics. You need to forget about food for a minute.

7. On that note, your anorexic coke habit has become impossible to fund. Adderall saves you money, sinus infections, and several dress sizes.

8. Oh, and you’ve totally quit coffee. How can you be expected to function without caffeine or crack?

9. If you don’t pop a pill right now, you’ll probably pass out of boredom in this meeting. Half will keep you interested. For the moment.

10. At least you’re not, like, railing lines in the office bathroom. You’ve regimented your daily dose. You have it under control.

11. You had a blowout with your boyfriend, and your sadness is super distracting. Fuck people. Pop enough Addy and you’ll be blissfully emotionless in no time.

12. You have to make it to the gym for once, but in no world could you get on a treadmill without a boost—without a little help to get you moving when you otherwise wouldn’t.

13. You have a prescription, dude. You’re supposed to take it. Who are you to question a doctor?

14. …Because, regardless of who you are, it makes you that much better. Happy when you’re sad. Smart when you’re dumb. Full when you’re hungry. What you could be when you’re… not.

15. And, come on. Everyone and their mother takes it. Why should you be the only schmuck in flip flops when the rest of the field is in cleats?

16. Seriously. Parents give their 12-year-olds this shit. How bad can it be?

17. You’re used to the high. You don’t have that much trouble falling asleep anymore. You only have to take Klonopin, like, max three nights a week now.

18. Plus, you could make bank selling your monthly surplus, and you don’t. So, at least you’re using it honestly, you know?

19. If you never take more than you’re prescribed, you can’t really have a “problem,” right? “Problems” are reserved for the idiots paying their friends $5 a pill.

20. …And like, what does “addiction” really mean if you have a prescription? You’re no more “addicted” to Adderall than you are to birth control.

21. You’re obviously not going to take it forever. Just until you have a dope job, a Black Amex, and a life.

22. You like, actually have ADHD, though.