10 Things White People Assume When You’re Racially Ambiguous

1. That you’re the go-to authority for all their inane, race-related questions.

“Is it wrong to say ‘nigga’ in a song if there are black people around?”

Ummm… I’ll take a hard pass on that one. You’ll be surprised to know that I wasn’t born to inform your ignorance.

2. That calling you “exotic” is a compliment.

“Wow, you’re so exotic.”

Bitch, I’m from Connecticut. Ain’t nothing “exotic” about me.

3. That all your body parts are associated with your ethnicity.

“Wow, you have a great ass. Must be that… Brazilian blood, maybe?”

No, asshole. It’s not in my Colombian blood. I just have a great ass.

4. That they can stroke your anything-but-straight-and-blonde hair.

“It’s so… pretty. Can I touch it?”

Nope, you definitely may not. And I’ll keep my paws off yours, too. Wouldn’t wanna get that white girl weave greasy!

5. That, even if they just met you, they have the right to ask what kind of ______ you are.

“Hey, I’m Brian. What kind of Asian are you?”

Oh, hi, dude! Sorry, but, would you mind giving me a treat before you ask me for my breed? Thanks.

6. That it’s hilariously adorable to open conversation in what they assume is your native language.

“Hablas español? Ha-ha.”

No, amigo. No hablo. I’m half Lebanese and grew up in fucking Pennsylvania. No hablo.

7. That you have an unusually high libido.

“I bet you’re a freak in bed.”

Do you? Wait, why exactly? Oh, no reason? Yeah, that’s what I thought, jackass. Breaking news, idiot: skin color does not inform sexual appetite.

8. That the ways your habits/desires/speech/appearance/education deviate from racial stereotypes weaken your racial identity (thank god).

“But you’re, like, not really black.”

Hmmm… actually, yeah, I’m pretty sure I am. Point taken, though: I’ll start publicizing my penchant for fried chicken to remind you of my race on the regular.

9. That you’ll be flattered when they commend you for being attractive… for a non-white person.

“You’re, like, one of the hottest Hispanic girls I know.”

Wooow, dude, thanks! I know I can’t possibly compete with the blondies, but I’m thrilled to play in an off-brand arena, at least.

10. That you should celebrate the banality of their whiteness.

“You’re so lucky you’re not a boring white girl like me.”

You right, you right. I am lucky. But I shan’t entertain that lame attempt at proving your open-mindedness/appreciation for off-white skin with the false reassurance that, “No! You’re not boring! White people can be cool, too!”