15 Things You Must Never Do When Arguing With A Significant Other

1) Do not pull out your phone in the middle of a fight, even if it is because at that very moment you have decided that you want to marry your beloved and are shopping for an engagement ring.

2) Do not correct your significant other’s grammatical and pronunciation errors mid-fight, unless you so desire to be slapped or have the kitchen sink thrown at your head.

3) Do not run out of the house during an argument. You and your beloved both know that you will ultimately return home, the dramatic exit is an inconvenience for all parties involved and later you will recall this event with much embarrassment.

4) Never argue in the nude. This will make an uncomfortable situation only more awkward and your naked body will, from here on out, be associated with your face contorted with rage.

5) Do not slam doors. As desirable a thing as it may seem to you after watching countless hours of day-time soap operas, remember that you are taking out your anger on an inanimate object. An inanimate object. The only other people to attack inanimate objects are snot-nosed and bratty teenagers. You are not snot-nosed; you are not a brat.

6) Also, do not go about tearing apart pillows. They are difficult to clean up after.

7) Also, do not go about punching holes in walls. They are difficult and costly to repair, and the damage to your hand will also be difficult and costly to repair.

8) The Silent Treatment is not a panacea for a warring couple. Bottling up the remainder of your anger and resentment only means that you will erupt again at a later date. No one likes a volcano. Don’t be a volcano.

9) Never allow for an argument to drag on longer than it needs to by throwing in indignation that has no relevancy to your relationship. If you are harboring bitterness regarding something else outside of your relationship, take an Anger Management class – don’t take it out on your significant other.

10) The Past – that time prior to when you and your beloved went from two to one – should and must be in the past. There is no use for quarrelling about something that does not pertain to you and happened long before there was ever even a you.

11) Jealousy should be aired out calmly and in a paced manner, not during a fight. There is nothing worse for a relationship than throwing in the ugly green monster into an already bad situation.

12) Do not break your beloved’s possession, unless you are willing to make reparations for damages caused.

13) Do not scream or shout: the neighbors are sleeping.

14) Do not make sexual advances during an argument. Your life is not a tasteless erotic movie, and your sanity will be checked.

15) Do not go to sleep without making up. You don’t know what the next day holds; never miss the chance to say “I love you.”