21 Things Guys Do When They Want To Get Laid

The day begins with promise. A Friday probably. One more day of work before the glorious weekend. On these days, many fellas open their eyes at 7:30am thinking, “Tonight is the night.” How do we make sure? Well..

1. Rally the troops. After vaguely thinking about it while at work, when we finally really wake up at around lunchtime, we decide to get proactive. We send out a bat signal group text that goes something like, “YOOOO, TONIIIIGHT!” After whipping the lazier members of our squad and ensuring the heavy hitters are down, we cement plans for a pregame.

2. Rush home. We even try to finish work early so that we have more time. For what, exactly, is a little unclear because it never takes us that long to get ready. But we rush home on Hermes’ back. (i.e. car. taxi. bus? whatever)

3. Immediately put on music. This is our private pre-game BEFORE the pregame. We turn on whatever tunes are gonna get us juiced to get juiced (sorry, I couldn’t resist). We make some food and dance a little in the kitchen. If your roommate is one of your friends it’s a lot of, “EYY, you ready for tonight? Let’s go, let’s go!”

4. Take lengthy showers. Okay, maybe not lengthy. But slightly longer than average. The luxury of it is relaxing. Depending on the guy, we might trim some brambles. We hop out feeling refreshed and relaxed. Still wet from the shower, we check our face in the mirror. “Not bad,” we think. As a matter of fact, it’s the perfect time for

5. Helicopter dick. Just once. Or twice. Okay, maybe a few times. Get into it. Maybe it’s the hot water, but the dick is looking pretty good. Who wouldn’t want that? (BONUS: Say, “Get to the choppa,” in your best Schwarzenegger.)

6. Pamper. Aw, the lotions that have been gifted by exes or well meaning mothers. The colognes we bought out of some desire for “adulthood”. Depending on our personal style, we might trim the beard a little bit with the fancy lather, use the fancy after shave — you know, the lemon scented one.

7. Pick out our “get laid” outfit. Blazer or no blazer? We’ll text about exactly which bar(s) we’re going to so we can cater to our audience. What does this shirt say? Do these pants say I have a nice dick? Eventually, we put together something we think is sharp, but neutral enough to appeal to a wide audience.

8. Practice our “charming” smile. It’s usually a few seconds, but we warm our faces up. We try a few. The genuinely excited. The mischievous grin. An Eddie Murphy for funny jokes. A Matthew Mcconaughey for smoldering eye contact. I’m sure it looks bat shit insane to anyone who might walk in on this.

9. Figure out the commute. Uber? Carpool? It all depends on where we’re going and with whom we’re going. The important part about this process is that it gives us enough idle time to down a few beers/shots, maybe spritz some cologne if we’re really trynna ball like that.

10. Tell our Uber driver the gameplan. They’re so polite. So sweet. “Where ya headed tonight?” “Aw, man, well, first we’re all meeting up at the homie’s spot, THEN..” Poor guy. They probably never actually care.

11. PRE-GAME. Imagine a bunch of dudes getting mentally hard about the prospect of possibly getting laid. It’s shot after shot, beer after beer, “dude” after “dude.” At this point, we relate to each other our general mindset, gameplan, and (if relevant) recent romantic history. It’s lingering details from the weekend prior. Guy time is a magical time, really. Full of such bonding topics as, “Honestly, I don’t like anal, either,” and, “Yeah, we should all trim.” This time is cherished, and saved for posterity via shirtless photos and some type of bomb (either sake or Jager).

12. Harrass the Uber driver. Pack six drunk guys into an Uber and it’s going to be obnoxious. This often ends with an exchange from one of us to the driver like:

“Yo, be quiet. Sorry about that, sir. How’s your night?”

“Wait, don’t tell me to shut up! He doesn’t care! Anyway, my point is —”

“Shut up!”

“Look, Mr. Uber Driver, maybe you can listen to my point, too.”

And so on, ad infinitum.

13. Case the place. The moment we hit the door, our necks swivel and we try to see who all is present, who to dedicate our attention. Folks have different approaches. They’ll either head straight to the bar or straight to the bathroom. Still others like to scout a spot to post up, a subtle responsibility.

14. Dive in. With alcohol heavy in our blood and an almost boyish eagerness on our faces, we say hello and strike up conversation as best we can. We all have different methods. Some people float in and out of conversation with many women throughout the night. Some like to devote themselves entirely to one lady right off the bat. It all depends on the people and the chemistry.

15. Wingman. It hurts watching someone you care about fail, and this is no different. We try to help our friends as much as they deserve. Real classic stuff such as running interference on one of her friend’s, providing good banter for, or advising them that she’s just not interested. It is, indeed, a noble task.

16. “How about we get outta here?” After a night of various successes and failures, a somewhat decent and decent looking guy might actually get lucky. The call to leave the bar before lights out is a classic mating call. If reciprocated, an Uber is quickly called. She’ll tell her friends she’s leaving, he’ll gloat like an idiot to his friends (or disappear without saying a word to them).

17. Makeout in the back of the Uber. You’re both a little drunk and vague conventions like not making out with an unknown person in the car go out the window. It’s cool, though. They usually just offer mints and turn up the music.

18. Do a brief tour of the place. Offer water, mention snacks for “later” or whatever. It usually includes some amusing aside about some poster on the wall.

19. Forget we don’t have any condoms. OH SHIT.

20. Raid our roommates’ drawer for condoms. Come on, come on.. YES!

21. Sade. Put on that ‘85 Promise album and just.. feel some shit. Maybe even Love Deluxe which starts with “No Ordinary Love,” you know the one. It doesn’t really make or break anything at this point, I just love the music. Do you know how hard it is to keep your clothes on while listening to Sade?