I Livetweeted Getting Robbed & Watching The Hobbit Alone At 9:45PM In Manhattan On Christmas Eve
Sitting on floor struggling to get the energy to move across my room to get/ingest Adderall so that I'll have thoughts during The Hobbit
By Tao Lin
8:10pm Sitting on floor struggling to get the energy to move across my room to get/ingest Adderall so that I’ll have thoughts during The Hobbit
8:15pm Felt almost like I was going to cry while unable to find black sweater I want to wear because I feel ‘more hidden’ inside it
8:19pm Can’t find my Choking Victim hoodie, feel like crying or being asleep
8:32pm Keep thinking ‘I feel like crying’ & something like ‘I’m wearing what I feel like Tom Cruise would wear to a casual viewing of The Hobbit’
8:38pm Thinking ‘how can The Hobbit be 2hr 49min…’ with my head leaned against the side of my mattress while seated on my floor
8:42pm Struggling to untangle my earphones
8:43pm Thought ‘struggling mundane’ while untangling earphones & staring with unfocused eyes at MacBook screen
8:53pm Thought ‘do I need to cut my hair’ while brushing my teeth
8:56pm It’s snowing outside, I see
9:02pm Thought ‘I hope Gandalf is in this’ without knowing who that is exactly & visualizing a ‘gnarled staff’
9:06pm Followed Katie Crutchfield on Instagram while crossing street toward 6 train station
9:15pm Waiting for 6 train, saw pic of Speedboat by Renata Adler on Instagram & suppressed a strong urge to comment ‘overrated’
9:15pm Whole Foods is fucking closed
9:19pm I’ve been listening to @hrtsrevolution on
repeat pic.twitter.com/AUFGYkh6
9:26pm 1/3 males said ‘give me your money’ & I said ‘what? my money?’ & other things & finally he said ‘want to get stabbed?’ & I gave him ~$41
9:40pm Then after some time he said ‘give me your phone’ convictionlessly & I was like ‘I gave you my money’ & the other 2 males were walking away
9:41pm Then another male said something about wanting or not wanting to ‘chase’ me & we walked away from each other
9:46pm There’s 12 other people in the theatre pic.twitter.com/xOImUAig
9:48pm The iPhone screen looks sweet via 3D glasses
9:49pm I could’ve livetweeted my own stabbing & death
9:53pm Keep reminding myself that The Hobbit exists in a different ‘realm’ than Harry Potter
9:56pm Haven’t seen movie in theatre in ~14(?) months, feel overwhelmed by previews, like I should be screaming & crying to react properly
9:58pm I think Will Smith is in a space movie
9:58pm ‘Danger is very real, but fear is a choice’ – [Will Smith, I think]
10:00pm Watching a preview for a Tom Cruise movie that
resembles the Will Smith movie-preview I just saw, life seems
overwhelming & insane
10:04pm I feel ‘speechless’ seeing & hearing these previews…
10:04pm Was going to Tweet something about this person reading outside The Strand before I got robbed pic.twitter.com/FtC22Ek9
10:06pm Keep thinking ‘this is fucking insane’ about everything I’m seeing on the screen & hearing
10:07pm The Hobbit has begun…there is voice-over narration addressing Frodo…from an older Frodo? I’m confused
10:09pm Thought ‘materialistic’ as the narrator talked about gold
10:10pm Thought ‘get to the point…’ as the narrator’s tone became ominous
10:12pm Thought ‘you fucking shitheads…you should’ve prepared for this…’ as a ‘firedrake’ destroyed an entire castle-city(?), lol
10:14pm An elf just denied help to the dwarves, are dwarves hobbits? Confused
10:16pm I see Elijah Wood
10:18pm Elijah Wood said hobbits are beginning to call the
older hobbit ‘unsocialble’
10:20pm I keep thinking ‘you fucking shitheads’ at the characters on the screen, wish this was the Will Smith or Tom Cruise movie
10:21pm Thought ‘is Gandalf gay,’ confusing him with Dumbledore
10:23pm Having problems differentiating Lord of The Rings from Harry Potter, a bald guy seemingly from Harry Potter just appeared
10:25pm This is like a nightmare version of Harry Potter
10:27pm Something like 15 hobbits just fell into a house & I ~90% earnestly thought ‘you fucking shitheads’
10:28pm Hobbits are group binge-eating
10:31pm I read ~60 pages of The Hobbit when I was ~11 & it wasn’t like this, I think
10:32pm They cast the same guy from Harry Potter as the Gandalf person in this movie, if I’m discerning this accurately, which seems like a mistake
10:34pm Thought ‘this is horrible shit lol jesus’
10:36pm Thought ‘just tell me where Frodo is right now & how he relates to any of this shit’ as Gandalf rambled about something
10:37pm I liked the movie Dragonheart, anyone remember that
10:39pm Gandalf is peaking on 60mg Adderall, he can’t stop
rambling, he’s sweating
10:41pm Where are these hobbits channeling their sexual urges, if they have any?
10:44pm Hobbits are dramatically humming together in a room, seems like a nonsequitur to half-assedly seque to another scene
10:48pm A hobbit peaking on 250mg MDMA just ran down a mountain to triumphant, adventure-beginning music
10:49pmThought ‘why don’t they just fly there’ as ~30 hobbits rode what looked like ponies slowly in a montage with voice-over narration by Gandalf
10:51pm The hobbits are scared of orcs
10:54pm A hobbit just rambled another hobbit into submission with a rambling story about defeating orcs that made me think ‘Warcraft 2’ repeatedly
10:55pm The hobbit being depicted as the bravest looks like a human, not a hobbit/dwarf…unless dwarves aren’t hobbits
10:58pm A hobbit picked up & pet a porcupine distractedly after scurrying around gathering mushrooms/berries as the screen showed dead foxes/deer(?)
11:00pm Pic thru 3D-glasses pic.twitter.com/NZ4Fk8n3
11:01pm ‘I do not need their advice’ – hobbit stubbornly
refusing to go to some place where elves could help them
11:03pm Someone called Bilbo Baggins (sic)(?) something like
‘Bombo’ & no one seemed to care or notice
11:05pm There’s ‘trolls’ now…trolls, orcs, dwarves, hobbits, elves…the trolls look like albino lengths of poop
11:17pm This movie needs the reliably above-average presence of a George Clooney or like the consistent unexpectedness of the guy from Limitless
11:18pm I haven’t been paying attention for something like 20 minutes
11:21pm A hobbit, while talking to Gandalf, had a flashback of being chased by screeching bats as he rode a sleigh led by rabbits…
11:22pm They just got attacked by what I heard the brave hobbit call a ‘horror-scope'(?) thing that someone else referred to as a wolf
11:23pm Thought ‘I don’t care if you live or die’ as ~10-30 things moved across the screen in some kind of skirmish
11:25pm Thought ‘I don’t like this flippant display of violence’ as hobbits killed a horse-thing & an orc without the music changing at all
11:27pm Gandalf appeared behind a rock & shouted ‘this way you fools’ at the hobbits who then did as told, now elves are saving the hobbits
11:28pm No black people
11:28pm No Mexicans
11:29pm Are dragons Asian?
11:31pm Why the hell is Gandalf even doing any of this? He should go home
11:31pm Jesus…the bad guy from The Matrix is here now, lol
11:34pm Female elves play harp & flute as a male elf talks about swords, suddenly the scene is underground & darker & The Matrix-like
11:35pm Where are they going? Why?
11:36pm Thought ‘Avatar’
11:40pm Cate Blanchett pic.twitter.com/INdq82xV
11:42pm Elves seem sexy
11:42pm Gandalf just said something that sounded like ‘Dumbledore’
11:44pm An elf just shit-talked someone for eating too many mushrooms to Gandalf, who ‘zoned out’ to receive telepathic info from Cate Blanchett
11:45pm I think an elf just summarized the movie up to this point, but I only heard the last ~20%
11:47pm This elf part with the sunset looks like the music
video for 311’s ‘Amber’
11:49pm Cate Blanchett said ~2-4 platitudes to Gandalf then disappeared & Gandalf had a surprised expression & it went to another scene
11:51pm Hobbit: ‘the legends are true…giants! storm giants!’ Me: vaguely/uncertainly recalled a Magic: The Gathering card called ‘storm giant’
11:53pm I think, based on the way someone is shouting ‘nooooooooo,’ that an important ‘good guy’ just died
11:55pm Imagined Gandalf speaking to the audience: ‘it’s almost over, just 25 more minutes’ with there being 50+ more minutes left
11:56pm A hobbit is wearing a hat-thing that makes it look like a hipster
11:59pm The hobbit’s sword is glowing like a lightsaber
12:00am There’s been no dialogue for like 5 minutes, just hundreds of trolls scurrying around
12:01am Pale-ass orc
12:04am I can’t remember what this thing is called…the little monster thing…not Gandalf or Gummo (hehe) but starts with a G…
12:05am I’ve read its Wikipedia page probably ~6x…the main tiny monster thing from Lord of The Rings…
12:11am What the hell are they doing…why…
12:15am Gollum has a tight sexy little body, imagine if he just got a tan
12:18am A giant goblin shouted ‘cut off his head’ then Gandalf teleported into the scene & screamed something like ‘fight’ & saved every dwarf
12:20am A dwarf just killed ~20 goblins in a humorously ‘cheap’ manner, like if it was Mortal Kombat the other person would be like ‘cheap’
12:23am Final Fantasy 3 for SNES would be a sweet movie maybe
12:24pm They denote invisibility with what I think I recognize as an Instagram filter
12:30am They’re all climbing trees now to get away from the wolf things, smart
12:32am The pale orc pointlessly says ‘drink their blood’ to his wolf things re the dwarves, hobbit, Gandalf
12:33am Gandalf innovates ‘flaming pine cones’ to throw at the enemy
12:36am Eating an Amy’s brand burrito when I get home
12:40am This final-seeming battle seems to be ending with giant eagles unexpectedly saving every ‘good guy’
12:46am It’s over…I don’t think they explained why giant eagles came & picked up everyone relevant, carrying them to safety 
