How To Pick The Perfect Bottle Of Wine

Step 1: Make sure to enter the wine store already a little bit drunk. This way, you’re guaranteed to make a sound decision. You’ll also definitely not embarrass yourself in front of the classy people who regularly shop there for adult dinner parties, so that’s an added bonus.

Step 2: Start perusing the expensive rack. Just because you’re 23 and wearing pajamas that are maybe covered in peanut butter does not mean that you can’t afford to treat yourself. I mean, the peanut butter only happened because you really like toast, not because PB&J was all you could budget for tonight’s dinner. Okay???

Step 3: Once you’ve got a gauge on the more pricey options, start checking out the 12 and under bottles. Just to see. I mean, a $35 bottle isn’t necessarily better than a $10 one, you know??? You will not be a slave to marketing!

Step 4: OOOO, cool artsy label. You love cool artsy labels. This one’s in the running for sure.

Step 5: “No, elegant wine store owner with the single earring and beautiful handmade scarf, I do not need your help. I’m just walking around in circles because this is a very important decision and I know a lot about wine.”

Step 6: Abruptly notice Gato Negro on the shelf, a brand whose jumbo bottles costs $12 and are bigger than your entire torso.

Step 7: Walk past the torso bottles once. Then twice. Then pay for one of them with too many quarters.

Step 8: Enjoy your torso bottle alone, on your couch, with a couple of candles lit for added romance. By the way, it’s been proven that this particular varietal goes really well with toast.