Things People Should Stop Pretending To Hate

I’m sick of people acting like awesome things just aren’t that great. For one, it’s just plain confusing. E.g. “What do you MEAN you don’t appreciate the critically acclaimed film Spice World?” But mostly, it’s downright infuriating, especially if said person is mostly in it to be cool. Why can’t we all just enjoy what we enjoy and call it a goddamn day? There are some things that everyone needs to step forward and admit to loving already. These things include:

1. Stuff that’s on the radio

It’s true: some of the shit that’s on the radio is pure, foolish crap. For instance, I would stab Lady Gaga in the face if I could, and J. Lo is trying SO HARD ALL THE TIME but failing so miserably; she’s like a little baby with no legs and scrap metal for brains. For the most part, though, I love what’s on the radio. My general rule is this: if you “only like that one Taio Cruz song when you’re drunk,” you probably actually LOVE that one Taio Cruz song but are too afraid to admit it. It’s not impossible that, unbeknownst to you, you are Taio Cruz’s biggest fan. Am I changing any lives here yet?

2. Dessert

My father constantly claims that he’s “just not a dessert person,” but get him in front of a carton of gingersnaps or offer him an ice cream sandwich and he’s chewing within three seconds flat. Why? BECAUSE HE HAS TASTE BUDS, as I suspect all these “I’m just not a dessert person” freaks do. You may “prefer” a juicy hamburger to a chewy brownie, but that doesn’t mean you don’t LIKE the brownie. I KNOW YOU LIKE THE BROWNIE.

3. Facebook

Unless the person in question has actually deleted their Facebook FOR REAL, not just for 2 weeks while they’re on a short “I’m gonna enjoy real things in life like nature and facial features” binge, the fact is this: they’re just trying to sound more evolved than the rest of us. Sure, we all experience those unspeakable moments when we find ourselves perusing an old best friend’s boyfriend’s cousin’s page ‘til we snap out of it and think, “OH MY GOD, Where am I? I think I just blacked out.” This is acceptable. What’s not acceptable is claiming that you hate Facebook even though you check it at least twelve times a day like the rest of us psychopaths.

4. The hit NBC sitcom Friends

For the life of me I can’t figure out why people hate this show. My honest opinion is this: if you dislike Friends, you haven’t actually watched it. I know that Matthew Perry is addicted to like, nine types of drugs and that Angelina Jolie is arguably FAR more badass than Jennifer Aniston, but that doesn’t mean these people weren’t an integral part of making the golden 90’s glisten. And if you don’t consider paying reverence to the 1990’s an important part of being a respectable citizen, well then I just don’t know you like I thought I did.

5. Your own birthday

I understand why birthdays make some people feel uncomfortable. After all, it’s basically a day on which people forcibly come together to celebrate your existence. However, here’s my argument: it’s basically a day on which people forcibly come together to celebrate your existence. The world is your fat glittery oyster. Seven slices of pizza for breakfast? I see no shame in that. The entire Mighty Ducks trilogy in one sitting? No one’s telling you not to. Do what makes you happy in beautiful, boundless excess. Just try not to barf on your shoes. (Actually, to hell with it. Go ahead and barf on your shoes. Birthday vomit is, after all, the most forgivable kind.)