16 Strange Things That Happen When You Come To New York From San Francisco

1. Dozens of J-walkers overtake you as you patiently wait to cross the street, and you genuinely fear for their safety.

2. A Starbucks barista looks at you confusedly when you ask for a “medium” because ordering from Peet’s has made you forget Starbucks terminology.

3. You’re so suspicious of any weather that claims to be hot that you carry around a sweatshirt at all times even during the dog days of summer.

4. Or, if it’s winter, you severely under-dress because you figure, how bad could it really be?

5. Any drop of rain sends you into a panic.

6. For the first time, you ask people “What do you do?” as a genuine question rather than as code for “What tech startup do you serve some vague, all-encompassing role at?”

7. Swarms of yellow cabs try to solicit your business as you wait for an Uber.

8. You research places to go hiking because you’re no longer getting an automatic workout from walking over hills.

9. You feel relieved that the only excrement you see on the ground appears to be from dogs.

10. The park feels empty without a man named Cookie Samurai trying to sell you pot-laced baked goods.

11. Speaking of pot, you actually kind of miss the smell.

12. You scour the menu at every Mexican restaurant for a super burrito to no avail.

13. You wander every subway platform in search of a screen displaying train times, also to no avail.

14. A bartender looks at you blankly when you ask for a Lagunitas.

15. You suddenly feel a crippling sense that you’re late for something even though you’re not expected anywhere, because everyone else must be in a rush for a reason, right?

16. You wonder if you’ve died and become a ghost because the people you smile at the street just stare straight ahead.