Stephanie White

You remembered the guy’s name in front of me and the chick behind me, but when it’s my turn to order and you pull out that black sharpie to scribble my name across the cup, you look at me with that blank stare of yours.

And honestly, I’m totally fine with surfing the crimson wave for 5-7 days each month, but why must each period week be accompanied by a week of pregaming?! WHY GOD WHY.

Cucumber water. I am pro-cucumbers, but anti them taking a bath in my water.

Is this Destiny’s Child?! SAY MY NAME. Throwbaaaaaack. I approve. Are we climbing a hill now? Bring it on. Let’s climb five hills in a row. I don’t even care. This song is everything.

Scatter manila folders across your table. No one questions the integrity of a person with manila folders.

When people enter your car, it’s a similar moment of vulnerability. Your guests are basically entering a hot box of YOU and whatever it is that you hoard in your sweet ride.

He calls shotgun every single time because… he can! You’re the one with a car and gas money so you’re the chauffeur by default.

The act of blushing can be quite upsetting for the “blusher” because it implies that they are: embarrassed, nervous, ashamed, overly self-conscious, sex flushed? I don’t know.

I’ve made the mistake of, “Oh we’re only going to be out for a few hours right? I can wear these strappy, paper-thin sandal things! Yeah, that sounds like a great idea!” This is NOT a great idea. This is masochism.

The moment you step foot into an Apple store, you are bombarded with a bunch nerdy dudes named like “Steve” or “Dan” dressed in blue tee shirts and beyond eager to assist you. They genuinely want to know how your day is going and how THEY can make it better. IS THIS A DREAM?

Here’s the list I would have written to myself five days ago, had I known what I know now.

You don’t feel like wearing jeans? You don’t feel like wearing pants in general? Well unless you’re looking to impress the 15-year-old dude working the snack counter, then you don’t need to worry about your movie ensemble.

“He HAS to know how I feel! And he has to know RIGHT NOW!”

It’s Friday night and you’re eating tofu in the Whole Foods parking lot. Standing up. Over the hood of your car. Nothing about this feels strange or pathetic to you.

Drown in your fear a little bit. Let yourself feel smothered by it, let your mind take you places, and let yourself feel outside of your body. Give yourself as much time as you need.

I can’t find that all purpose tool/gadget thing you guys gave me when I moved out and into the real world. You know the one with the scissors and screw driver and, like, seven other tools I’ve never used before? I think it’s stored somewhere in my desk.

He’ll admit that one beer is all it takes. He’ll tell you that his facial hair still comes in patchy. He’ll say he’s intimidated by you and you won’t believe him for a second.

You’re writing thank you notes on monogrammed stationery, I’m instagramming my latte.