Stephanie White

You and your friend both know that she hasn’t worn actual pants since like 2004, so getting her another pair of her signature yoga/fitness/it-looks-like-I-worked-out-earlier-but-really-I’m-just-running-errands-all-day pants will surely be the most functional gift she receives this year.

We liked to look at each other and say nothing. We could do that without it feeling weird. Your eyes read mine and sometimes I could hear them when you stared at me.

I have a fun fact about the apple pie flavor — ready for it??? It lacks both apple AND pie. So talk amongst yourselves!

I’m still trying to say goodbye to November and now you’re trying to tell me that I have to switch gears entirely and pretend to be all pumped for lighting the freaking menorah? I don’t even know where the menorah is right now!

You were there and I was here. We thought there was too much space and then when the space grew, that was that. And so you powered down and shut me off.

You’re unsure of where “north Orange County” begins and ends, and you sure as hell don’t want to find out.

Wrap yourself in a thin coat and walk to your new job. Let your hands freeze and your lips burn. You like to let the cold wake you up and remind you of where you are now.

Tom Hanks is security blanket in human form and watching him gets me high off of optimism and smiles.

Get the bride-to-be drunk enough on fruity cocktails and sangria that she’s unable to protest your decision to herd the group over to trashiest bar you can Yelp.

Pillsbury Doughboy — you and I both know it’s about time you pulled your head out of the clouds (literally!) and allowed a few others some time in the spotlight.

And if you really feel like getting into the spirit, add some alcohol to the mix! Everyone else is already drunk, so you might as well put in a solid effort to catch up with the rest.

This feels like an episode of Gossip Girl, except in this week’s installment, no one is acting or being ironic!