10 Ways Corporate America Makes A Living Hell Out Of Just Getting Up In The Morning

Most jobs would be fine if they were left alone but Corporate American seems to always be finding new and inventive ways to make things more mundane and depressing.

By Stephanie Shepard

Updated 10 years ago, November 8, 2014

I have worked my share of lame jobs. I have been the telemarketer calling you during dinner to ask you to donate to the Special Olympics (especially if you lived in Buffalo, NY in 2007). I have been the server asking the cooks to pick out the onions from the dish you sent back to the kitchen. I was the agitated phone service representative that had to explain to your parents and grandparents how the iPhone worked when it debuted. While service sector jobs can be soul sucking on their own merit, businesses tend to find ways to make your pathetic job even more pathetic.

“Corporate Says”

Since I got my first job in high school, big, bad, scary, Corporate is always rambling on about something. But who is Corporate? I have heard this term more times than “The customer is always right”. Corporate never has a name, an official title, or a contact outside of Human Resources. I realized early “Corporate says” is protection for someone making up bad policy but not taking responsibility for its outcome. It is no surprise Corporate is always anonymous.

“We Have An Open Door Policy”

Corporate America has a weird obsession with turning managers into guidance counselors. The Open Door Policy gives the illusion it exists to “fix” problems or to “help” you with coworker disagreements. If you fall for this trick don’t be surprised if you become known as the employee who complains, is difficult to work with, or has an attitude problem.

Take Our Survey

Back in the day businesses were so cheap that they employed mystery shoppers to spy on you. Now they insist you push customer surveys to encourage customers to snitch on you. They have set up a system for you to tattle on yourself for free.

Would You Like To Apply For Our Store Credit Card?

My heart goes out to all retail workers who are forced to push bad credit decisions on people who simple want to purchase their items and leave. You say it begrudgingly while my eyes glaze over in boredom at the sales pitch “You will get 15% off your purchase for just applying.” I know you don’t want to say it. You know I don’t want to hear it. Anybody waiting in line sure as hell wants to kick the person that says “yes” in the shins.

It Is Mandatory For Every Employee To Work Every Holiday

You want to take your kids trick or treating on Halloween? Tough, everybody wants to take their kids trick or treating. You want to have a big meal on Thanksgiving and relax? Sorry, everybody who has a better job and got Thanksgiving off wants to go shopping on Black Thursday. You want to drive long distance to be with your extended family for Christmas? They won’t let everybody off for Christmas Eve because there is still one more day for shopping before Christmas Day.

You Have To Attend Mandatory Store Meetings

Having to attend a store meeting is a waste of time. They are always scheduled on a Saturday before the store opens so everybody is forced to attend. Every store meeting is about the same thing; how you suck at your job and how they are going to “fix” it. If you work for a store that does meet their quotas and sales you get the pleasure of having new policies enforced on you to fix problems that didn’t exist.

Your Work Has A Cookie Cutter Business Plan

If you have worked one retail job you have worked them all. If you have worked one restaurant job you have worked them all. If you have worked one entry-level office job you have worked them all. You quit your job thinking it was “just them” and it will be different at the next job. The business plan for pathetic jobs are all the same. All Corporate businesses are competing with each other with the exact same business model.

“You’re A Team Member”

Being forced to be a team member is the same drudgery you experienced in grade school when your teacher chose your group for you. In every group there were the weak links, the people that didn’t care, and the one person who did most of the work. Those dynamics never changed but now it is your paycheck that is at risk.

You Are Stuck

The worst part about a pathetic job is they tend to take up most of your time. You have to work extra hours to not live paycheck to paycheck. People get fired or quit all the time and you have to pick up the slack. If you stay long enough you are given additional responsibilities because of your experience on the job. Eventually your job takes up so much time in your life it becomes difficult to job search for a better job in another field. If you somehow get promoted you are still stuck, you only get paid a little bit extra for the longer hours, and you are still just as expendable as your subordinates.