Stephanie Karina

Penny Lane – Almost Famous: During high school, you had posters of Kurt Vile all over your bedroom, and your parents worried about your predisposition towards men who looked like they were breeding four kinds of STDs under their slim-fit Urban Outfitters corduroys.

Remind yourself each morning after you wake up and before you brave the barbarian world outside the confines of your bedroom that this is your universe.

2. Let Him Know That You Two Are Just As Close As Siblings!

“Stephanie,” he said with all the earnestness of someone about to harp upon one of life’s (or at least, college’s) great truths. “I’m a guy. We hook up with dumb, pretty girls all the time because they’re pretty.”

There is never a long run because our relationships exist only in the short run.

College — like anything else in life — sucks sometimes. Brace yourself and prepare with a list of the 10 worst experiences you will face during college:

With my profound love of Jewish men, I’m just holding my breath for the day that I can sucker in the Mark Zuckerberg to my Priscilla Chan.

I wonder why we don’t pay more attention to the boys who believe — mistakenly — that they must live up to some sort of image of the dominant, virile Alpha Male with muscly muscles and rock-hard pectorals. Is it because we believe that only women suffer from body image disturbances and that men are immune?

9. You will develop feelings for someone you shouldn’t — at least once.

Then, what is perhaps more startling to me than people’s culturally insensitive and blatantly racist reactions towards Davuluri is the notion that they — that we — can’t just accept a type of beauty that is less vanilla and more Imagined Whirled Peace.

Each time he texts you to “hang out” at one in the morning, you forget all semblance of self-respect despite knowing that he keeps a running harem of other girls who are similarly attracted to his tortured-intellectual mystique.

Who knows? I surely don’t.