If You Want To Find Love, You’re Going To Have To Give Some Fucks

For the first time in my adult life, most of my female friends, including myself, are currently single. Many, once in long term relationships, have called it quits while others have been steadily playing the dating game for years. Despite how we all ended up here, one thing seems to remain the same; no one is particularly having a good time. It’s like we are all living in a romantic comedy, but Ryan Gosling is not playing the male lead, it’s (several years) too long, and no one is laughing.

When I get together with my girlfriends, the stories we share make me lose faith in love and gain faith in Xanax. A close friend of mine just ended it with a guy who would cry during sex but wouldn’t shed a tear for anything else (including the death of his childhood dog), and I recently went out with one who told me if it was ever going to work out in the long run, I had to have threesomes. That’s right ladies and gentleman; if I wanted any sort of commitment, I had to eat vagina for breakfast.

What ever happened to boy meets girl, boy likes girl, girl likes boy, boy actually calls girl, they date, they laugh, they get it on, and they live happily ever after (at least for a little while)?

It seems dating has basically become one giant game of Monopoly. It always sounds like a good idea and is supposed to be a fun way to kill some time, but half way through you wonder why you wanted to play in the first place; meanwhile someone is probably cheating or completely controlling the board, and all you are trying to do is stay afloat until your next turn. It leaves you exhausted, possibly broke, and someone usually ends up pissed off and disheveled.

Everything has become way more complicated than it should be; wait three days to call. Don’t text first or back too soon to avoid seeming too eager. Show enough interest in someone so they don’t get discouraged and look elsewhere, but don’t develop any actual feelings or risk being shunned like a red headed step child. And even when you meet someone you find interesting, you should probably keep your options open in case something better comes along, but don’t get offended if someone doesn’t think the sun shines out of solely your ass and is doing the same.

It’s a power struggle, and it seems the only way to succeed is to be the one who cares less because you can’t get hurt if you never get invested. Was it Confucius who said, “(S)he who becomes the object of desire in any relationship is the one who gives the least amount of fucks?”

Insert eye roll emoji here.*

Can we all just get over ourselves for a few minutes? It shouldn’t be this serious. If you like someone, tell them. If you are thinking about them, text/call them. If you aren’t, quit being a dick. Think they are sexy? Kiss their face. If you wouldn’t bang them with someone else’s genitals, tell them (in a nicer way, ya savage). Stop constantly trying to prove you don’t give a shit if you actually do, and stop wasting other people’s valuable time if you don’t. 

I know, obvious advice is obvious, yet we are all still trying to be the girl with the most cake. I’m just worried that if we don’t stop being a bunch of power hungry assholes, that cake just may end up being cats.