The Adventures You’ll Experience With Tinder

For months I have been hearing people talk about a dating app called Tinder, and after several pushes from my friends, I finally decided to see what all the fuss was about.

It turns out everyone on Facebook must be lying about getting married, because the entire world is single and currently on Tinder. I saw people I knew, people I am glad I did not, and a whole lot of nipples. Apparently there is a shirt shortage and a cargo pant surplus going on within 10 miles of my apartment…

Either way, I learned a lot throughout my experience so if against all your better judgment, you decide to give Tinder a try as well, here is some helpful advice to get you through the process…

First, you need to create a profile so find the best pictures of you in existence. Remember when you had food poisoning in ’09 and lost ten pounds without even trying? Grab a picture of that and post it immediately. Also, be sure to add a bunch of photos of yourself having (what most of society would consider as) fun.  Eating cold Chinese take out in your underwear while working your way through Netflix may be your (ok my) idea of fun, but it will not get you laid. You know what must get you laid though? Tigers, because every other guy was posing with one…

Once you have collected a decent amount of Instagram filtered photos featuring jungle animals, you are ready to write your bio. If you are a girl, you don’t really need to say anything because no guy is actually reading it, but to improve your odds, talk about anal and sandwiches. If you are a guy, be sure to mention your height, but only if you are over six feet tall. If you are short, use words like “CEO” and “Black Card.” You can also post a picture of yourself with a large group of attractive females because if there is one thing us women love, it’s a ladies man with a ton of competition.

When your profile is complete, you are ready to find a match. A screen swipe to the right means, “I like your face and would consider mauling it if you are not a closet fatty,” while a swipe to the left means, “I wouldn’t fuck you with my friend’s dick or vagina.”

Get ready to lose endless hours of sleep. See, Tinder is the drug you knew you shouldn’t have tried in the first place, but now you are addicted. It has become your personal mission to view every single person’s profile within a certain mile radius only to deem a handful worthy of your time. Therefore, this is also the point during your Tinder experience where you will become drunk with power. You will develop a keen ability to swipe left with rapid speed. In fact, you will become such a judgmental asshole, as karma, you will accidentally swipe left to some of the most beautiful people you have ever seen.  Take a moment to mourn each loss, but know you completely deserve it.

When you manage to move on from such tragedy, you may come across another human you wouldn’t kick out of bed for eating crackers, and if that person also finds you aesthetically pleasing, you become a match.

If you are a girl, you can just sit back and receive compliments from random strangers who have absolutely never messaged any other women with the same tag line of “Hello gorgeous. Your eyes are really beautiful.”  Several will ask you a simple question like “What is your favorite color?” then proceed to give you an explanation of your entire life based off of your fondness for turquoise. If you are really lucky, some guys won’t even greet you but rather ask if you want to meet them out for a drink at that very moment, even if it’s 3 am.

If you are a guy, try to avoid doing any of those things, especially the last one. It’s always best to try not to give the impression your potential match will end up in a bathtub full of ice. If you are serious about meeting your soul mate, get to know her. You will also have to pretend you actually give a shit about her cat or recent juice cleanse. If it’s “just the tip,” you are looking to play, hit up Adult Friend Finder and save that poor girl from a relationship with Ben and Jerry later on…

Whatever you are hoping to get out of your Tinder experience, “murdered” is not one of them so don’t be a dumbass. Be safe, have fun, and most of all, try not to get chlamydia.