This Is How You Win Every Single Argument Online

I recently posted an article on my Facebook feed about Chipotle banning guns after two dumb asses in Texas brought assault rifles into one of their locations. The guys packing heat were well within the gun laws there, however many customers felt uncomfortable so Chipotle took action.

I personally like the idea of enjoying my burrito bowl without a side of machine gun, and I applaud Chipotle for realizing who their target audience is (families and college kids) and accommodating them accordingly. 

I posted the article because I frequent there and found it interesting, not because I wanted to argue gun laws and regulations for the next ten hours (I had momentary forgotten what Facebook was for apparently). I remember when Chicago passed the Concealed Carry law, my news feed blew up with gun enthusiasts and adversaries ripping each other apart…

”Guns kill people.”

“It’s my right cause ‘Merica.”

“Spoons make people fat.”

All valid points guys.

Honestly, both sides of any debate will have reasonable arguments, but if the internet has taught me anything there are several infallible ways to get your point across and win every argument ever.

First, make sure you USE ALL CAPS. No one can actually hear you screaming so the only way to let them know you mean business is to turn all of your lower case letters into upper case ones.  Also, don’t forget to not use any less than 17 exclamation points because if you only add 16, people will think you aren’t serious about your cause. If you are looking for that certain je ne said quoi, don’t forget to press a bunch of random buttons &^*!$%$^@* to let them know how passionate you actually are. 

It is also very important to use lots of profanity because no well-thought out educated speech was ever given without numerous swear words.

“I have a mother fucking dream…” – Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Be sure to use the real taboo ones as well because no one is allowed to have a differing opinion without being a complete “cunt” or total “pussy”.

If you really want to let people know how brilliant you actually are, start rattling off dozens of internet articles (written by someone you have never heard of on sites you didn’t know existed) which back your cause.

If you can’t find any, simply start a web page and write some yourself…just make sure you sign off as Dr. something or another so people know you’re smart.

Also, you can’t forget the importance of making sexist/racist/general assumptions about those who have opposing viewpoints. You won’t sound like you know what you are taking about until you judge other people you have never met.

I mean, you’re right.  People who make assumptions about strangers are always right. I am woman so I have no ground to stand on. Who let me use a computer? I earned my three college degrees in laundry, sandwich preparation, and baby making so I better stick to what I know.  Shoes!  Yay Shoes! I am so glad they didn’t ban shoes form Chipotle! AM I RIGHT?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh wait, I forgot one. !

Lastly, and this is the most important way to get your point across intelligently…you must, I repeat MUST, insult my physical appearance. No one will take your knowledge on a particular subject seriously if your rebuttal doesn’t refer to your opponent as “fat” for “fugly.”