Like One Of Those Creepy DJs In Sketchy Bars: This One Is For The Ladies (Or, 9 Tips That Will Save You On Your Night Out)

Every now and then I will get questions in my inbox from people seeking advice on various subjects I know little to nothing about.  Sometimes it’s for relationship or sex help, but most of the time it’s regarding make-up/beauty tricks, fashion trends, or diet and exercise tips.

I know how to hide the bags under my eyes, dress myself, and I may have found the perfect balance of being able to wear skinny jeans while still eating brownies for breakfast…however, that is about as knowledgeable as I am in those subjects.

I may not know how to do a perfect “cat eye” or even just how to keep my eyeliner on my eyes and off my cheeks a la Alice Cooper, but I do know a few things every woman should know.  What I lack in “Grey’s Anatomy” knowledge, I make up for in other subjects.

So on that note ladies, here is some of my best advice of all time, in the history of the world, ever.

1. If you need to stay quasi sober on a night out (for whatever reason: work, school, etc), wear flats.  Studies from my weekend show, there is a direct correlation between high heels and high levels of intoxication.  The higher the heels, the more your feet hurt, and the more your feet hurt, the more you will attempt to subconsciously drink away the pain. You probably won’t get as many free drinks in a pair of sensible ballet flats as you would in a pair of “fuck me heels” so there’s that also.

2. Save a ton of money on expensive, designer make-up and just buy sunglasses.  Wear them at night even, and if anyone questions your decision just say, “My future’s so bright, I gotta wear shades.”

3. We all know no man is going to buy the cow if he can get the milk for free, but if you give him some really good cookies with that milk he may let you live on his farm…and by cookies I mean blow jobs.

4. Do not listen to all the people who say to clean out your closet once a year. Keep everything forever because at some point, it will come back in style. If we have learned anything from Urban Outfitters and American Apparel it is everything from the early 90s is cool again, only now it costs three times as much and is served with a side of pedophilia.

5. You do not need to wait until Tuesdays to eat Tacos. They are just as delicious on other days of the week. Don’t let anyone trick you into thinking you can only have fun on Sundays either. You should definitely hump someone on Wednesday though.

6. Stop buying Spanx. They do not make you look thinner but rather just redistribute your fat.  Your hips only appear to be smaller since you now have a roll of fat on your clavicle.

7. Never attempt to get back with an ex just because you see him with a new girl. Remember when you were little and you only wanted to play with something because you saw another kid having fun with it? Your ex is that toy, and you will tire of it the minute you realize no one else wants to play with it again. Plus, that toy is a dick.

8. Ignore every sex tip from any fashion magazine you have ever read. “Gently chew on his nipples while lightly tugging on his testicles.” Seriously? Want to know the best sex tip of all time? Open your legs.  He will be happy, and his balls will thank you for not attempting Cosmo sex trick #76535174.

and of course…

9. If you think you are going to regret something in the morning, sleep until noon.