10 First World New Years Resolutions We Should Consider (Like Staying The Hell Away From Target)

Recently I lost 15 lbs, and no I didn’t do it the easy way and pick up a meth habit…I joined a gym, started eating better, and worked my ass off, literally. Unfortunately my boobs left with it, but hey, you win some you lose some.

I started back in September (when my attempt at The Guinness World record for most Cadbury eggs eaten failed), and now all the New Year’s resolution people are crowding up my gym which of course makes me want to punch babies.

If you haven’t already learned from every previous New Years’ of your life that resolutions do not work, then maybe you would also like to lend some money to this Nigerian prince I know who will totally pay you back three fold.

I started thinking about every one I have ever made/heard someone else make and how fast each of us had broken it. Maybe if our resolutions were a bit more realistic, we would be more likely to keep them. On that note, I thought I would share some things we should all vow to do/not do this year…

1. Stop saying “ratchet,” “swag,” “turned up,” or anything else regularly used in a 16-year-old girl’s vocabulary. Otherwise it would be “totes amaze balls” to punch you in the face.

2. Have more sex, even if it’s with yourself. I think most women wouldn’t be such bitches if more of them took the sticks out of their asses and put them in their vaginas. Throw some batteries into the mix and boom, world peace. Stephanie for President 2016.

3. Eat, drink, snort, shoot up? more vegetables. Slather them in ranch dressing if you have to. I would eat dry wall if it was covered in ranch so no more excuses.

4. Stop caring what other people think about you, ESPECIALLY people you will never see again in your life. Go on vacation, waltz into the first bar you can find, and bust out the single ladies dance like nobody’s watching. They all will be, but stop caring about it. You haven’t spent all that time mastering it in you bedroom for nothing.

5. Sleep, nap, siesta, snooze, slumber, pass out. Either way, none of us are getting a full 8 hrs which is why we are all so damn crabby all the time. Rip Van Winkle, Sleeping beauty, Sleepy the Dwarf…not assholes. See a pattern there?

6. Resist the urge to post 73286048 photos of your child a day. I mean, for all you know someone is fighting a very difficult infertility battle…that or they hate children, now yours especially because no one cares that little Timmy likes apples. And oranges! And peaches! But not Lemons! Stop it.

7. Start smoking crack so people will be pleased when you quickly give it up, and they will finally stop complaining you drink too much. Hear that mom!? It’s a glass of wine or a pipe a day. You pick!

8. Learn to control your road rage because if you live in Chicago like me, screaming, “I hope you and your entire family get Gonorrhea and die,” might actually get you killed instead.

9. Stop wasting time playing shit like Candy Crush. If you complain you don’t have time to go to the gym but you have time for shit like that, enjoy those love handles. If you aren’t going to stop playing at least stop inviting me to play. I can find more exciting ways to develop premature gray hairs.

10. I could write, “Save more money,” but I will say what we all really need to hear…”Try to stay the fuck out of Target.”