The Names We Give The Men We Sleep With

This past weekend was Labor Day so a bunch of us got together to eat our body weight in burgers and get white girl wasted. Later in the evening a friend and I were sharing stories and laughing about one of her ex-boyfriends we refer to as “Buffalo Bill” because he was into really weird shit in the bedroom. He had a bit of a sex dungeon in his apartment, and you couldn’t help but wonder if he was going to bang you, kill you, and wear your skin afterward.

Unfortunately for him, he has now earned a nickname so solid, he might as well go to the DMV and have it legally changed. He may have been born a “Joe,” but he will die as “Buffalo Bill,” and there is nothing he can do to change it. The poor bastard could cure cancer, and we would still joke about him having a Dexter kill room in the basement.

Men, consider this a cautionary tale…if you do weird shit in bed, we will tell our friends (and possibly strangers at a party) about it, and you will most likely go down in history with one of the following titles:

One of my best friends slept with a guy who tried to choke her out during sex. He nearly killed her and is now referenced as “The Boston Strangler.”

In my mid 20s I dated a guy who said the filthiest shit in bed. When I met him he seemed so innocent, but over the next few months he got progressively dirtier earning him the nickname “Bob Saget.” This deemed to be even more perfect when we discovered his best friend was Greek and rode a motorcycle.

A few years back a friend of mine was attempting to sleep with a hot mechanic. I say “attempting” since on more than one occasion he had too much to drink and couldn’t get it/keep it up. Due to his love of Jameson and his collection of coveralls he will always be known as”Whiskey Dickies.”

I had an ex boyfriend who asked if I would pee on him and/or he could pee on me. I was horrified, and he will forever be referred to “Coldplay,” (since it was all Yellow…)

A friend from college was dating a dentist who she complained was very lazy in the sack so we would call him “Dr. Do-little.” She married him, we still call him that, and she still wishes she kept her mouth shut.

Currently my friend is seeing a guy (who we are all positive) is gay… even though he doesn’t want to admit it yet. They haven’t slept together (shocker), but he does give her lots of Eskimo kisses. We secretly refer to him as R. Kelly since he is clearly trapped in the closet.

I had a guy I briefly dated ask me to grow a full bush for him. It didn’t last long because we don’t live in a 70s porno, so he only remains a memory. RIP “Disco Stu.”