Drunk Sex: An Exploration

Oh man, where do I begin. And how drunk are we talking?

I believe there are two kinds of drunk sex. The first is the drunk enough/still functioning level of drunk. This level is when you are clearly making some bad decisions, but you still remember to close your tab at the bar. You even make it home with your cell phone and both shoes (high five!). This level is the most common form of drunk sex because if you make it to the next level, he will most likely have Whiskey Dick and/or you are most likely passing out before the magic happens. I use the term “magic” loosely. It’s usually not that different from regular sex, but now you don’t care if the light is on or if the taxi driver is watching.

The second level of drunk sex is way more interesting and more along the lines of, “How did we get home?” or “What’s your name again?”

You will generally wake up confused, find articles of clothing all over your or their apartment, and sometimes even remnants of Taco Burrito House. (I mean after all, you are a lady, and he had to buy you dinner first.)

Although at first you won’t remember the previous night, flashbacks of the most horrifying shit you can think of will start to surface. It may even be a few days later when you notice a bruise and think, “How did that get there?” Suddenly, an image of you smashing your head on the nightstand (so hard you probably required medical attention but told him to keep going) will start to become more clear. Maybe he didn’t look so much like Ryan Gosling but more like a young Steve Buscemi.

You will then start to remember everything you said. Oh dear God, the things that came out of your mouth… things you had no idea you were capable of saying. Every script from every porno you have ever watched helped play a role in your award winning verbal performance. I won’t get into details here because I don’t have time to hold my knees and rock back and forth all day. The most you can do is just hope to God they won’t remember what you said, but they always do. As a matter of fact, he or she is probably telling his or her friends all about it right now. What is the number for the suicide hotline again?

Then comes the worst of it: you start to pray that you will never see him/her again, but then you remember that your neighbor’s sister’s accountant’s second cousin works with that person so as luck would have it, you will probably run into them at every event/moment/vacation for the next 20 years. Keep in mind, you made it a point to find out why they “looked so familiar” last night. Good thinking.

You made a mistake so the best thing is to learn from it. Turn down that 15th shot next time to avoid any future discrepancies. In the mean time, try not to be too hard on yourself. You can’t change the past, so don’t regret anything you did. At the time, it is exactly what you wanted, at least, it was what whiskey wanted.