Stephanie Georgopulos

You’re looking at me like I’ve got two heads. I know you went to state school, Linda, but I don’t believe in edu-normativity so I’m not letting you off easy here. You know what normatives are and how evil they are. You don’t? Okay… well. Truth is, I’m not quite sure what they are, either.

Just because something looks pretty hanging in your closet doesn’t mean it looks pretty on you. You know it. I know it.

And so when I hear people talking about how difficult it is to become a “real person” or about how they’re not ready to do “adult things,” I wonder why they have the expectation that these are things that just happen.

Harry’s very clearly a family man — and while his parenting skills are uh… questionable, there’s no doubt that his decisions have been based on protecting his family at any cost.

Get a real email address. Even if you don’t plan on going corporate when you graduate, trust that your high school moniker does not translate in the real world. No one wants to hire, date, or bang Sk8erG33k99@aim.com.

“You’re still watching Gossip Girl?” one girl asked as though I’d just told everyone I was on a strict cat food diet.

Can we get a commercial where a woman’s period doesn’t completely incapacitate her until she finds the “perfect” tampon? I’m just an average Jill, not freaking Goldilocks. Any tampon will do.

And Miss? Is that your peaceful baby fast asleep in its stroller? You mind stirring it up a little? Don’t shake it too hard. I’ve seen CSI, I know how that ends. Just give it a jingle-jangle so that it sobs a bit.

You and I both know you left ghosts behind, but they seem to have found someone new to haunt. Maybe it’s you.

You see this coke bump of sugar, here? How about the Lake Superior of coffee you left behind? I love modern art as much as the next girl, but I draw the line at abstract coffee grinds.

What’s more difficult than that is saying I love you aloud, especially if someone else is listening.

Ladies! The boy is no one’s property. Also, you should be blaming the dude for the confusion, not each other. Wasn’t this song released in 1998, the Year of Girl Power?

Enough about married people. You guys already had your moment (and it was beautiful, it really was — hope you’re using that colander!) but it’s not about you anymore. It’s about engagements!

It’s OK to stay in touch with your ex’s friends, but don’t be a freaking menace about it.

Maybe they don’t even notice you standing back there — your eyes swimming in shadow; your features out of focus.

And while we’re on the subject of manners, maybe this person — this curious creature — is spending time with someone they enjoy. Maybe they think it’s rude to pause the conversation every so often to check their phone.

How can anyone be expected to respond to an email when it looks like the sky was painted with the literal tears of Jesus?

“I work in marketing and it’s taking over my life, I don’t know how turn it off, seriously, someone send help.”