Stephanie Georgopulos

I apologize, what an awkward way to Break The Ice! If I’ve made you uncomfortable in any way, Don’t Let Me Be The Last To Know. I wouldn’t want you to Hold It Against Me.

Schadenfreude Syndrome (SS) plagues the singles who are jealous of someone else’s relationship. The SS sufferer carefully monitors a couples’ behavior and has a small celebration whenever something appears to have gone wrong.

So, yeah, I guess searching for people is kind of simple since you don’t have to remember their goofy usernames. People are ‘over’ goofy usernames, you know – wait, wait. Scroll back up. Oh, well look at this – apparently Megan MoTiVatEdWoMyN Jameston is not over ‘goofy usernames.’ Who would’ve thought?

From Ricki Lake’s cringe worthy (but adorable!) street sass to Jenny Jones’ implant-obsessed panel of midwestern beauty pageant dropouts, I couldn’t get enough of Talk TV (much to my mothers’ chagrin).

Hold your wrist out limply as though you’re waiting to give the Wristband Jockey a dead fish handshake, but really you’re just zapped of your will to live after that tedious exchange. She kisses your skin with a wet stamp that leaves behind thick black ink depicting a crescent moon. You get a green wristband.

If you’re insane and even marginally good looking, not only will someone want to sleep with you – everyone will want to sleep with you.

“You just need to do ten sit-ups a day.” – Sister, 2011. Prefacing this lie was another, “You don’t need to lose weight, you just need to tone.” When I asked my sister, who has the metabolism of a hummingbird, how anyone could consider ten sit-ups a day a work out, she responded, “It worked for me when I did it. But I don’t work out anymore.” Oh.

Like going nude, we reserve these moments of starkness for the people we trust most. Parading around in our birthday suits can actually be the least intimate way of giving someone an unobstructed view of who we are.

The Chainsmoker is equal parts gross and impressive. They’re that person who lights their next cigarette with the cherry of their last one. They’re the person you don’t even bother asking, “Didn’t you just have one?”

A combination of egocentrism and overzealous real estate agents has led to an overabundance of Manhattan neighborhoods. Here’s a guide to the most popular of them, created with the Attention Deficit Generation in mind.

You walk four blocks north and three blocks west and he sits perfectly poised in your palm the entire time, not like an animal with wings but like something more domesticated, something settled. Strangers on the sidewalk shoot you an odd eye, but you don’t mind it. They’re just trying to figure out how to get what you got.

I called 211. 311. 411. 511. 611. 711. 811. Then I’d stop. I’d call for a free two-minute reading from Miss Cleo, and then I’d call her competitors. Psychic Circle. Psychic Readers Network. Psychic Solution. I figured if I got a bunch of free two-minute readings, it’d equal out to one full reading. Then everything would make sense.