Possible Reasons Your Text Message Has Gone Unanswered

You literally sent it two seconds ago. I know you realize that, because you’ve been glaring at the clock like a petulant schoolchild ever since, but it might help to hear it from someone else. It’s been two seconds. Give them a chance to respond. Put the phone down and focus on the vast amount of world that’s unfolding around you. At the very least, focus on how you almost just walked into oncoming traffic because receiving a text message has somehow become more important to you than um, survival.

A working theory is that the world of the text recipient does not revolve around their cellphone. Some people become so engaged with other activities — reading, sex, human interaction — that they completely forget phones exist! I know, it’s crazy right? Who could live their life without an iPhone tattooed onto the inside of their eyelids? The person you texted, that’s who.

But let us not forget the obvious culprits: naps, air travel, phone theft… you know, I had my phone stolen once? The police eventually retrieved it and literally no one had texted me during the four hours it was out of my possession, but it was still a really emotional night. You might want to take it easy on the person who hasn’t texted back yet. They might be sobbing in a police station, right now. Or napping. Napping is a definite possibility.

Speaking of police stations, maybe they’ve been arrested! Don’t freak too much, though — I’m sure it was just a misunderstanding. Unless there are legal repercussions for having terrible phone manners, like not answering text messages three minutes after they were received. In that case, lock them up and throw away their keypad! (Get it? It’s a joke. About phones.)

And while we’re on the subject of manners, maybe this person — this curious creature — is spending time with someone they enjoy. Maybe they think it’s rude to pause the conversation every so often to check their phone. People who can completely ignore their phones during social interactions are a rare breed, yes, but perhaps not as rude as you might think. Perhaps answering your text message, under these circumstances, would be the rude thing to do.

OK, OK. The truth is they’re not answering because they hate you. Isn’t it obvious? Whenever someone texts you and you don’t answer, it’s because you hate them. It’s not because you’re on a date, or because your battery died, or because it’s 2 a.m. and you’ve been sleeping for like, the past five hours, it’s because this person is the Joffrey Baratheon of your cellphone, they’re a shithead, and you hate them. So logic follows that whenever someone doesn’t answer your text message immediately or ever, they hate you. There is no excuse.

Wait, I’ve got it! This might sound insane, but… perhaps the universe conspired against you such that your two schedules don’t synch up perfectly at any given time. No — hear me out. Perhaps, while you were lazing about, constructing the Great Expectations of text messages, the recipient was getting reamed out by his boss, or finally getting around to eating lunch at 7 p.m., or in the middle of reading a great novel they haven’t had time to sit down with for the past three months. Maybe they didn’t realize that signing a cell phone contract meant signing away the right to just be alone with one’s thoughts without qualifying it to whoever happens to need validation at that very moment. Maybe their desires, their needs, their lives do not match up tit-for-tat with yours every second of the day. Maybe.

Oh, who are we kidding? The person you’ve texted is dead. Yes, that must be it.