Apologies In Advance For Not Doing Any Work Today

Hello co-workers, boss-like people, and other parties who may or may not be affected by my laziness,

I just wanted to reach out to you all and apologize in advance for not lifting a finger at work this morning or afternoon. I recognize that the day is almost over and so this isn’t exactly what one might call apologizing in advance, but seeing how none of you have confronted me about the whole slack-jawed, dead-eyed thing quite yet, let’s not split hairs.

It’s just that I’m real exhausted, see? I left work last night with every intention of getting an honest eight hours of sleep, but then some tiny voice in my head yelped, “Indulge. Paul Ryan and spreadsheets and Helen Gurley Brown, just… it’s been one hell of a Monday. Indulge.” So instead of quietly going to bed at seven as planned, I started rewatching LOST and… well, you remember what it’s like to watch LOST, don’t you? There are polar bears and hatches and abs, you guys. So many abs. If I could go back in time and get to bed before three a.m. I would, but despite my best efforts that’s something that only happens on the island. I really hate to blame my coasting on Matthew Fox, but the man’s impossible to turn off. He’s magnetic. Also, a woman-beater.

Okay, okay. I was actually out drinking. Drinking on a Monday, that’s me. Don’t look at me like that. You know damn well that Monday is the grey area between the weekend and the other days of the week when it’s okay to drink. Did you miss what I said earlier? Paul Ryan is the VP nominee, you guys. It’s like the conservative right held a gun up to my uterus and forced me to chug four Blue Moons and a few shots of unremarkable whisky. And now, I’m hungover or going through alcohol withdrawals or both, I can’t even tell the difference anymore, and it’s virtually impossible for me to get any work done. Believe me, I’m trying here. In between cat videos and watching my Twitter feed feebly inch by, I’m trying. I’ve even sent a few emails out, which I’d be happy to show you if my damn Gmail didn’t keep crashing. Is anyone else having that problem? No? It’s the strangest thing. It’s like the universe is whispering, “Don’t worry about working today. Just… do your best to appear busy. You have earned this semi-day-off-where-you-still-have-to-get-dressed-and-be-present-in-body-but-not-in-mind type-deal, which is almost as good as an actual day off. Own it, embrace it, make it to five o’clock without puking or passing out.” And I’m like: YES, universe. You totally get me. I am going to own my shit and apologize in advance and the world — or at least, my coworkers — will embrace this hangover of mine and we’ll get through today.

Unless you guys don’t embrace hangovers, in which case I’ve just been dumped and my grandmother died last night and my hormones are all out-of-whack because I had to switch to generic, affordable birth control and things are a wreck right now and no, I don’t need to go home early because I’m a trooper and I care about this job, it’s just a little hard to focus today but I’m going to persevere because the universe is on my side.

That said, can I borrow someone’s Netflix login information? Absolutely watching LOST when I get home.