Week In Review: The 9-To-5 Employee

Monday

You’re probably all, “UGH. MONDAY.” The likelihood that you’ll spill your caffeinated beverage down the front of your shirt is 40% higher than usual. You might feel more inclined to listen to Monday-themed songs in earnest, namely “Manic Monday” by the Bangles but potentially “Monday, Monday” by the Mamas and the Papas if you had great sex over the weekend, or “Blue Monday” by New Order if you haven’t slept since Thursday. When you get to work and your colleagues inquire about your weekend, you say something like, “It was fine,” or “Ehhhhhhhh…” or “I don’t want to talk about it.” Then you spend the rest of the day talking about it.

Tuesday

Today is about productivity: you’re listening to voicemails, you’re shaving legs, you’re fingerbanging Excel sheets. You’ll likely end the day grocery shopping or having a responsible drink date with a friend who has to be home by “10 PM, the latest.” You’ll do just about anything to avoid going home to the doldrums of Tuesday night television.

Wednesday

It’s hump day. Someone, or multiple people, will make jokes about it being hump day. You will spend 5-7 minutes thinking about humping as it relates to hump day.

Thursday

You’re stir crazy, at this point. You mentally smite anyone who says, “Thursday is the new Friday” while compulsively checking your email re: happy hour prospects. You will be involved in an 8-person email thread on the subject of ‘after work plans’ that carries on far longer than necessary.

Friday

You will eat something that is horrible for you. You’ll insist that you’re going home directly after work, but probably not. Depending on the week, you might receive a paycheck, in which case the incentive to party grows exponentially. You will either spend the night at a birthday party for someone you only know tangentially, or wrapped in a blanket burrito on your couch watching reruns of television shows. You have no idea what time, channel, or year these shows originally aired on. That is the rule.

Saturday

You will sleep in late (which means 9:30 for you, because you usually have to wake up much earlier, ha-ha! Get it? Because 9:30 isn’t even that late?). You will do errands, such as laundry, buying ‘a thing’ for ‘that thing,’ and cleaning out your DVR queue via watching back-to-back episodes of whatever the hottest show of the season is. You will probably eat a cold cut sandwich at some point, if you’re into that kind of thing. A trip to the farmer’s market might be on the agenda. You will enjoy at least one cat picture on the internet, and it will be captioned ‘Caturday.’ You will consider blowing off your plans for the night at least seven times.

Sunday

Today you will face an age-old internal conflict — brave the daylight (brunch, more errands, something nature-related), or do absolutely nothing and feel 100% legit about it. Inexplicably, you will feel like refried beans come Monday regardless of what you choose. Someone will mention ‘Sunday Funday’ on Twitter and you’ll spend three minutes contemplating what it all means.