What To Do On Your Sick Day

Tweet that you’re sick, because no one has ever been sick before. You are the first person to get sick, ever, and it is your job to let everyone know what that entails. The gory details are yours for the oversharing. If you’re feeling cheeky, use your illness-based tweet as an opportunity to humblebrag. “can’t hold anything down. gonna lose 20 pounds.” Prepare for everyone to freak out over your hot new diet. Like it or not, you’re a trendsetter now. Such is the burden of being the first person on the planet to get sick. People will read your tweet and do a spit take. “What is this ‘sick’ thing you speak of? Sounds impossibly chic.”

Act like a baby. Typically, acting like a baby is only acceptable behavior for actual babies, but not on your Sick Day. You should curl up in the fetal position and moan a bit. Cry and moan and kind of toss around pathetically. Be sure to drool. There are basically zero occasions one has free license to drool when one is over the age of five and below the age of eighty, but this is one of them. Take advantage of it.

Between catnaps, try to watch television and slowly remember that, despite having access to over one hundred programs at any given moment, you will not find anything worth watching between the hours of 10 a.m. and 4 p.m. Nothing. It is TV’s way of encouraging you to get better so that you won’t make a habit of subjecting yourself to daytime television. There is a show called Yo Gabba Gabba, and it was actually created for sick adults to watch while they’re Robotripping. You should watch that show.

Devote at least one hour to feeling terrible for yourself. Hate your life a little. Admittedly, it’s much easier to throw yourself a pity party when you’re home alone, nursing yourself back to health. Where’s your mom? Your friends? Your invisible lover? You’re in the perfect position to realize that no one cares about you. Wish that you were on your mom’s couch with a warm washcloth on your forehead and a pot on the floor next to you (in case you have to vomit, duh). Someone (probably) once loved you so much that they were willing to let you barf in their cookware, have you ever thought about it like that? Your regurgitated food in the pot they use to make spaghetti. And now look at you. Dying alone. What a life.

Develop gross habits for the day, like throwing the tissue you’ve been blowing your nose with into a half-eaten bowl of soup, forcing yourself to sweat, wiping your nose on the sleeve of your sweatshirt, spitting phlegm into a cup so that you don’t have to move, and etcetera. Wear your worst pair of underwear – you will be motivated to stay alive if you’re wearing your worst pair of underwear. This goes without saying, but sweatpants.

You will probably need soup at some point. If your cupboard is bare, call the local diner for delivery. Even though you’re unkempt and excreting fluids and wearing your worst underwear, the diner deliveryman has seen worse. On this, you can rely.

Get well soon. Like, by tomorrow. There’s only so much Nyquil an adult can drink before it starts to become a problem.