Medical Conditions Associated With Being Drunk

Life Story Syndrome. Life Story Syndrome (LSS) occurs when one feels inclined to divulge the intimate details of everything that has ever happened to them, in a belligerent manner, to someone who was a stranger all of five minutes ago. Topics of interest include hospital visits, sour breakups, dietary restrictions, strained parental relations, and a friend’s recent engagement, which has made the sufferer feel they’re ‘old,’ ‘running out of time,’ and ‘wholly unattractive.’

Cure(s): Passing out, conversing with another, more aggressive, LSS sufferer.

Twitter Dissociative Disorder. People struggling with TDD will remove themselves from interpersonal communication, opting instead to experience and manipulate the night via their Twitter feed. The afflicted will filter their outing through a series of deprecating and/ or humblebrag tweets, much to the pleasure and/ or horror of their followers who, at this point, are only following along in anticipation of the inevitable digital trainwreck that has become characteristic of the TDD sufferer. Symptoms include standing in a corner, face awash in iPhone glow; a perma-expression that reads, ‘I’m busy doing something important over here don’t approach me,’ and sipping the same beer for two hours because to obtain a fresh one would mean putting the phone away for five seconds, and god forbid.

Cure: Phone battery dying.

Emotitis. Emotitis can be observed when, for inexplicable reasons, a drinker decides that friends and good times be damned! They’re going to think about the loser who never texted them back, their dead-end career, and their (late) cat Moisha, who passed five years ago. Then they’re going to crumple their little face up into a tinfoil ball of emotions, and they’re going to require copious amounts of attention, and they’re going to ruin everyone’s night because life is sad and the perfect time to pontificate on that is at a bar, where people are attempting to have a good time. Symptoms include beer tears, sitting in a bathroom stall while a line of people who actually need to use a toilet forms, the drunk dialing of moms, and proclaiming, “I need a cigarette” or “I just want to go home!”

Cure(s): Going home, ex-sex.

Cocktail Conjunctivitis. Cocktail Conjunctivitis, commonly referred to as beer goggles, is experienced when one’s vision is challenged by way of overzealous alcohol consumption. A combination of dim lighting and altered perception leads to (falsely) identifying members of the preferred sex as ‘mind-blowingly hot,’ despite the fact that their ‘catch’ actually resembles the love child of that woman who got plastic surgery to look like a cat and that embarrassing Six Flags mascot bro. Symptoms include going home with the Cryptkeeper.

Cure: An aggressive friend who cares for your wellbeing.

Accusatory Projectile Vomiting. APV rears its head when a drinker becomes overwhelmingly convinced that someone or something is out to get him or her, at which point the sufferer will accuse innocent parties of any or all of the following: trash talking (“WHILE I’M STANDING RIGHT HERE”), stealing his wallet or any other possession he is too drunk and obnoxious to spend time looking for, touching his ass, cutting in line, providing an incorrect phone number, or looking at her “funny.” Symptoms include yelling in a cantankerous manner for no goddamn reason.

Cure: Getting forcibly removed from the drinking establishment.

Amnesia. Commonly referred to as a “black out.” Symptoms include committing a bunch of heinous indiscretions and having no recollection of it the following day (or ever again).

Cure(s): Sleep, severe self-loathing.