Some Scenarios In Which You May Find Yourself Drunk At Your Office Job (And What To Do In Them)

Still Drunk From The Night Before. I’ve already written extensively on this issue, but a refresher course: once an innocent night out turns into a rager of black out proportions, an adult must opt to ‘suck it up’ and head to work in the morning — regardless of hours of sleep attained, number of shots taken, and abundance of random singles floating around wallet-less in your purse. (What is with that? Why are there always George Washingtons doing the Macarena in my purse come dawn?)

When you’re still drunk from the night before, you should pretend that something awful has happened to you and that you’re eating your way through it. Just eat a mid-sized meal every three hours until it’s time to go to happy hour. [Editor’s Picks: meatloaf; fried chicken; egg rolls; manicotti; several variations of fried rice.] Play Bejeweled on your computer to appear as though you are thinking and making use of your fine motor skills. Sixty percent of the time, it works every time.

Drunk Post-Lunch Meeting. If you’re in the sort of position where taking clients out to lunch is ‘a thing’ that you do, there’s a good chance that on occasion, you may be a bit tipsy come 2 p.m. I mean, your client ordered a chardonnay first, so what, you’re gonna order a Diet Coke? Gonna get up on that high horse and ride it into a sobriety sunset? Of course not. It’s rude? And you can charge everything to the company card? And Nancy in Finance is being a total bitch ass today? BOTTOMS UP.

When you get back to work, you’re kind of a lone wolf. I mean, why is everyone in such a rank mood? How come no one wants to talk about the new Girls album? Why is everyone looking at you LIKE YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW LOUD AND INAPPROPRIATE YOU’RE BEING? Not to worry. They’re just jealous, and you’ll persevere. Even the loveable Jon Bon Jovi had to go it alone once in a while, cowboy. Go back to your desk and quietly call your mother and/ or any family member who wishes “you’d call more often. You’re always so busy…” Maybe your coworkers don’t give two craps about your landlord’s questionable collection of Bette Midler records, which you accidentally found in a linen closet while looking for a flashlight, I mean Beaches was kind of good but still, isn’t it borderline creepy to have not sold The Divine Miss M at a yard sale by now? ISN’T IT? Bitch ass Nancy doesn’t care about Bette Midler but guess who does? Mom. Drunk dial away.

Drinking At Work (With Permission). Whether your job involves product reviews or your boss simply wants to surprise you with a bottle of wine three hours before the weekend arrives, drinking on the job is an honor and a privilege. Many will never experience the joys of undertaking a tedious task while casually sipping a vodka soda from a Styrofoam cup. It is your duty to drink responsibly and with purpose when getting a free pass to take frequent trips to the bathroom and listen to La Bouche at your desk without fear of judgment.

You should be incredibly helpful and ‘on top of it’ in order to prove that you are capable of ‘adding to the bottom line,’ even during instances of intoxication. Come up with a brilliant idea and dial your boss’s extension on speakerphone. “Got a minute?” Head over to your boss’s office with your Styrofoam cup. This is to remind your boss that you are about to change the face of this company with a BAC of .1%. Or somewhere around there, math is not your thing. Pitch your idea as your boss refills your cup and mixes the contents with a ballpoint pen. Walk out of there with a raise (that you’ll never see. You know you’re never going to see that raise, right?)

Drinking At Work (Without Permission). You goddamn rebel. What are you thinking, even? Let me guess. You just got broken up with. You hate your job. You have a problem. You think you can get away with it. Look, bro. I’m not here to judge. I’m sure there’s a perfectly good reason why you’re drinking at work despite that being like, definitely not okay, to the point where you may potentially face a completely depressing job market bursting with qualified applicants who mostly can wait until 6 p.m. to get toasted.

If you’d like to keep your job, do the following: Shut up. Just shut up. Do not say anything to anyone. Don’t even pick up the phone, if it rings. Play some soft, inoffensive music that no one will question, like the catalog of Dolly Parton. Slowly, deliberately delete all of the crap you’ve allowed to pile up in your ‘Download’ folder. Delete that .gif of a cat looking indignant while filing its nails; you don’t need that. Delete that resume you promised you’d pass along. Delete the picture of the cast of Family Matters that you’ve saved for no discernible reason. If you’re anything like me, this will take all day – but if not, maybe start looking for a new job? Seems like you might need one.